For Those Who Like To Write

[Zoidberg747]

worried and scared of shit. make 'em tougher.
42) Finally, you throw that fucking cube at us. lol.

Phew. like i said. story needs improvement. i think if you expand and are careful in areas you can make a great story out of it. keep working. i'll attack part2 maybe sunday or monday. thanks for the opportunity to tell you my thoughts. Appreciate it.

Youve given me a lot to think about. I do tend to get lost in my own head a lot, thanks for pointing what I need to clarify.

 

[MKF30]

I used to write a little bit back in high school, english/drama etc. Sometimes now for skits I do, but I must say buying comics again every week, sometimes meeting famous artists, writers they have there sometimes. It makes me want to write my own comic book. Trick is getting noticed, that's the tricky part.

 

[Zoidberg747]

I used to write a little bit back in high school, english/drama etc. Sometimes now for skits I do, but I must say buying comics again every week, sometimes meeting famous artists, writers they have there sometimes. It makes me want to write my own comic book. Trick is getting noticed, that's the tricky part.

Go to conventions. I know I tend to take free shit anyday. hand out some copies or something.

 

[MKF30]

Go to conventions. I know I tend to take free shit anyday. hand out some copies or something.

So I hear, lol never went to one but they sound exciting! One thing I know after asking some of the writers I've met, from DC, Marvel and Image etc that you don't have to have a "fancy degree" to be a professional writer for comics. Which is awesome! If you're talented enough that can be good enough which I didn't know.

 

[Dyzvhtynzal]

Fuck it. i couldn't resist. Here's part 2.
Ready or not......
1) When did Elsir/Tulan split from John/Amax. make this clearer.
2) So Vangan left cube trap, ok. but why didn't Amax get sucked in too. and how did the 50yr old guy come out?
3) Why the scar on Elsir if her skin and muscle were replaced?
4) Did both Tulan and Amax hate violence? if so, why were they put on the elite team?
5) If Elsir was in no condition to fight, how was she healed?
6) Elsir has a shitty pistol too???
7) Vangans are reptilian, ok. Then they refer to John as a rat?
8) Then a piggy????
9) What happened to Amax that his rib is sticking out?
10) Elsir mistakened the 50yr old for John?????????
11) If Amax is in charge, why is O and later Yuquiss giving orders in his presence? thought Elsir was2nd in command.
12)THENNNNNN you have a 3 hour, unexplained trip back to ship + a hours long trip to Vandon4???????? this needs more detail.
13) Why is Amax considered a risk?
14) Why would big Vengan guard hide a smile?

 

[Zoidberg747]

Fuck it. i couldn't resist. Here's part 2.
Ready or not......
1) When did Elsir/Tulan split from John/Amax. make this clearer.
2) So Vangan left cube trap, ok. but why didn't Amax get sucked in too. and how did the 50yr old guy come out?
3) Why the scar on Elsir if her skin and muscle were replaced?
4) Did both Tulan and Amax hate violence? if so, why were they put on the elite team?
5) If Elsir was in no condition to fight, how was she healed?
6) Elsir has a shitty pistol too???
7) Vangans are reptilian, ok. Then they refer to John as a rat?
8) Then a piggy????
9) What happened to Amax that his rib is sticking out?
10) Elsir mistakened the 50yr old for John?????????
11) If Amax is in charge, why is O and later Yuquiss giving orders in his presence? thought Elsir was2nd in command.
12)THENNNNNN you have a 3 hour, unexplained trip back to ship + a hours long trip to Vandon4???????? this needs more detail.
13) Why is Amax considered a risk?
14) Why would big Vengan guard hide a smile?

Some of these were totally oversights on my part.

I will say #4 was that Tulan hated GUNS, not violence.

 

[Dyzvhtynzal]

15) John is familiar with human meat ????!!!! What is the Agency serving Sigma6 regularly? :/
16) Soon the team gets toValdon4, ok.
17) Vangan has Odium torch. more details wouldb nice.
18) S6 found control room pretty easily.
19) Vangan now has Urium blade. more details. thank you.
20) Would hope John is more trouble alive than dead.
21) WTF is a Gahorn doing in the prison? tell me.
22) S6 is unsure of themselves again. this is more of a recurring theme than the image of those blood red walls you mentioned.
23) Elsir blows away 30 Vangan away with a proton bomb. Really? Well at least she picked a good time to use it.
24) AT LEAST THE TEAM IS FIGHTING
25) Vangan use bullets and rifles in 3750? ummmmmmm, no. unless they have a morbid fascination with Earth tech from 17th to 20th centuries.
26) Is Yuquiss' proton blade the same as the plasma machete?
27) Finally at the end you fill us in to a unnamed ship pilot and doctor Regon? wtf. mention them much earlier.
28) Then team gets 'beamed-up'????? why the

 

[Dyzvhtynzal]

why the hours long trip back to the ship earlier? they shdve been teleported.


i thought this part was a little better written, but still needs work. expand on things and you could have a niced size tale here.

one last thing.....where's the cube now??

 

[Zoidberg747]

15) John is familiar with human meat ????!!!! What is the Agency serving Sigma6 regularly? :/
16) Soon the team gets toValdon4, ok.
17) Vangan has Odium torch. more details wouldb nice.
18) S6 found control room pretty easily.
19) Vangan now has Urium blade. more details. thank you.
20) Would hope John is more trouble alive than dead.
21) WTF is a Gahorn doing in the prison? tell me.
22) S6 is unsure of themselves again. this is more of a recurring theme than the image of those blood red walls you mentioned.
23) Elsir blows away 30 Vangan away with a proton bomb. Really? Well at least she picked a good time to use it.
24) AT LEAST THE TEAM IS FIGHTING
25) Vangan use bullets and rifles in 3750? ummmmmmm, no. unless they have a morbid fascination with Earth tech from 17th to 20th centuries.
26) Is Yuquiss' proton blade the same as the plasma machete?
27) Finally at the end you fill us in to a unnamed ship pilot and doctor Regon? wtf. mention them much earlier.
28) Then team gets 'beamed-up'????? why the

Going back and reading it I seemed to run out of steam at the end of part 2. Ill have to go back and re-do that part.

why the hours long trip back to the ship earlier? they shdve been teleported.


i thought this part was a little better written, but still needs work. expand on things and you could have a niced size tale here.

one last thing.....where's the cube now??

Same place where it was. The cube was supposed to basically brainwash any Boshannon to go into it. The prisoner came out because he was the previous one in the cell and the Vengans let him go(since he was already dead).

I now realize I forgot to explain this in the story. Like I said, gotta lot of revising to do.

 

[Dyzvhtynzal]

hmm.,you might have to explain why the Vangan wanted a Bosh or, how they knew John and that he would run into that trap. you'll figure it out. hope i was helpful. didn't mean to be harsh, but i was getting upset about scenes. S6 needs better weapons and more courage throughout. i almost felt sorry for them at times. empower the team.

 

[Dyzvhtynzal]

i've been thinking....... you probably dont vn have to add anymore to story. if you wanted, you could make the Vangan encounter one episode of a series. you REALLY have enough to work with. personally, i'd tie the cube to something more diabolical. you have a good set of characters to work with. it would be nice to know their backgrounds a bit more. galaxies are big places lol, i'm sure you could introduce more formidable monsters than the Vangan later. your story was almost a test for Sigma Six. If there's anything more dangerous in the universe you have created, it'll be entertaining to see how the team develops to deal with new threats to Agency interests.

A dubious leader with peculiar motives at the head of the Agency might grab my attention as well. Good luck with this. i look forward to the next reincarnation of your story.

 

[Zoidberg747]

i've been thinking....... you probably dont vn have to add anymore to story. if you wanted, you could make the Vangan encounter one episode of a series. you REALLY have enough to work with. personally, i'd tie the cube to something more diabolical. you have a good set of characters to work with. it would be nice to know their backgrounds a bit more. galaxies are big places lol, i'm sure you could introduce more formidable monsters than the Vangan later. your story was almost a test for Sigma Six. If there's anything more dangerous in the universe you have created, it'll be entertaining to see how the team develops to deal with new threats to Agency interests.

A dubious leader with peculiar motives at the head of the Agency might grab my attention as well. Good luck with this. i look forward to the next reincarnation of your story.

It was meant to be a series, thats why I tried to end on kind of a cliffhanger.

 

[Deleted member 28105]

This is a screen play that I have recently written. I'm 17, and it is for my creative writing class, so don't expect any Oscar worthy words. For those who do not understand why Mitchell's dialogue is... different, allow me explain. The man is completely insane, and has be rendered downright sadistic due to the severity of his quickly changed life. He is also trying to function while is body is being deteriorated by a toxin that he has ingested. So, it sort of a given that he won't talk... normally.

http://www.scribd.com/doc/228691548/Life-or-Death

Sorry about throwing you in right at the end without a lot of backstory, but I was only required to write a small part. Enjoy!

 

[Dyzvhtynzal]

Not bad Caleb. A fun little read. I read the entire thing because the dialogue was pretty interesting to me. I'd clean it up a bit though. It always good to add more detail I think, so I'd try to explain how Mitchell's life fell apart with greater detail to justify what he is doing on stage if I had your story to work with.

I don't think I have ever heard of artficial execution used before. Hmm.

Also, I don't think the audience would be happy to hear that the building they were in was about to blow up with Mr. Promet. But I guess they still thought it was part of the show.

Keep writing.

 

[Deleted member 28105]

Not bad Caleb. A fun little read. I read the entire thing because the dialogue was pretty interesting to me. I'd clean it up a bit though. It always good to add more detail I think, so I'd try to explain how Mitchell's life fell apart with greater detail to justify what he is doing on stage if I had your story to work with.

I don't think I have ever heard of artficial execution used before. Hmm.

Also, I don't think the audience would be happy to hear that the building they were in was about to blow up with Mr. Promet. But I guess they still thought it was part of the show.

Keep writing.

Thanks, greatly appreciated. I agree with you on most points. It sucks that it was only a small segment, I may try to make the entire story at some point so that the backstory could be emphasized. For the time being however, I was required to write an interesting conversation. So this was it. When I talk about artificial execution, I mean using cinematic effects in order to make it look like real death. ie. he uses a gun loaded with blanks to "shoot" a contestant. Weird premise I understand, I would have to iron out the knicks if i were to continue with it.

I realized your point about the audience approximately 5 minutes subsequent to posting it. I had an "oh shit" moment, and realized that audience dialogue should have been added at the end. Can you give me some examples of what I should clean up? I wrote it in two days, so I understand that the dialogue could seem sloppy in some instances.

 

[Dyzvhtynzal]

OK. First. I'm not an expert. That said...
1) Make me believe Mitchell has a good.....no....an excellent reason to do what he's doing. His job loss seems less significant than Jimmy's death.
2) I suppose you could go into detail about how Mr. F was seized in the first place, and..... um.... who called Special Weapons and Tactics?
3) I think with a little more work you can make your dialogue better too. How is your choice.
4) I guess you'll get to the ?, but what's the wager and prize. I'd personally tie it to Jimmy, but there are thousands of ways you could go with it.

 

[Dyzvhtynzal]

Mr. P i meant.
AND....... does Mr. Promet have a way out if he answers correctly, or (I have an idea) a way to turn this in his favor? Or is he just doomed? Build the dialogue into something shocking maybe that takes Mitchell by surprise.

 

[Dyzvhtynzal]

Who has got stuff to read? Still working on mine as usual. Every minute i spend seems to be making it better. I suppose a publisher will ultimately determine its worth though. I have 32 characters and a lot of wtf? moments in this thing. hope it'll be good enough.

 

[Dyzvhtynzal]

Wellllllllllll, I went to my physical therapist today to pick up my novel off her annnnnnnnd, as i expected, she didn't get too far. i told her she could hold on to it until the first Tuesday of August. She agreed sooooooo.... i'll have to wait a bit longer now. Her main gripes after about 30 pages? She said the story didn't FLOW and my choice of vocabulary was beyond my target audience. 18-30 year olds i guess. only reason she's holding on to it is because i told her things get better. but it's a bad excuse. my shit still needs more work. 30 pages and she had enough.........i need a new strategy......or something.
depressing.

 

[Dyzvhtynzal]

Any updates? Gonna roll through my story a few more times then send it out. It's time to start something new.

 

[STB Sgt Reed]

Just posting to say... I read the title like the song by AC/DC (For those about to rock) for whatever reason.


I don't like writing. lol

Typing isn't bad.

 

[Zoidberg747]

Just posting to say... I read the title like the song by AC/DC (For those about to rock) for whatever reason.


I don't like writing. lol

Typing isn't bad.

@Vagrant beat you to it

 

[CCVengeance]

And my character list... (still incomplete/ or not final)
1) Damadians/demonoids - Powerful monsters motivated by dreams to
assimilate worlds for unknown purposes.
2) Blazz Bliss (Banzor Clan)
3) Rybella Bliss
4) Bombyss Bliss
5) Boomyxi Bliss
6) Esmordia Demörtix [Demuertix] (Dzamer Clan)
7) Maxzon Demörtix [Demuertix]
8) King Ramishi Mazzura (Mazdor)
9) Rycho Mazzura
10) Lord Domikkar Kytorakk
11) Lazzlott Zavelor
12) Alanza Lanazadine/aka Lazana
13) Forsha Fush
14) Blush Fush
15) Phorminza Mazzler
16) Zarik Rizzler
17) T'vaix (Ta-vecks) Ottozi
18) Triggan (Trigz) Attrika
19) Atamo Shimadzu
20) Priax Pamp
21) Pontix Pamp
22) King Romzull Xymora
23) Queen Mydara Xymora
24) Marazell ?
25) Dymxrielle ?
26) Ambriesse ?
27) Zumbrisha (Zummy) ?
28) Ambassador Qiijiru Sorrizzin
29) Kamazikma - An ancient god.
30) Dyzvhtynzal - An ancient god.
31) Tavan Vang
32) Tazgo Gaizl

How do you keep all those names straight? LOL
Blazz Bliss is epic as fuck though.
I recently wrote 2 short stories but my brother (My main critic) did not like the first one and I felt the second one was weak. If anyone's interested I could post one.

Here's a list of names of characters I have yet to flesh out though:
-Millin Frayth
-Raymar Wynd
-Dobolt Smyr
-Kalam Sel Terramin
-Al' Kal Valo
-Brynder Pikes
-Fama Son Lon
-Danivan Thoom
-Nikoloka The Fat Bastard

 

[Dyzvhtynzal]

A lot of times I read my work out loud to see how it sounds to me. Do this enough and you'll know everything about your characters, especially if you try to do them in different voices like I do. I need some people to read along with me, lol. I like the last name Thoom. You've got something there. The names seem fine. Ha. Yeah, I like to be creative with names. If I do another story it's gonna have some regular names though. If.... This writing thing drains the hell out of you.

And, yes, we're interested. Post stuff.

 

[CCVengeance]

Might want to spoiler tag that.