So it was May 24th, I think of last year. Everything was fine and nothing seemed like it was gonna be wrong. I stayed up late the previous night, so, it was about 11:30AM-ish and my mom comes in asking me to come downstairs to talk to me. I told her I would be down, but then I fell back asleep for half an hour. I come down stairs, and my mom is crying, which was strange to me because she rarely does ever. I go up to her and ask "Woah, did someone die?" like jokingly. Turns out someone did die, and ya know, I shouldn't have joked because, of course the irony here, my dad died the previous night of a heart attack, and what was found out this morning. I just stood there, looked at her as she told me we were going to his wife's and my siblings house at 3PM. I simply went up the stairs and got in the shower. I stood there, and I honestly contemplated suicide. The thing most people don't know is that I'm sorta actually only 14, and I still have growing up to do without a father, which I'm just gonna have to live with. I was depressed before this even happened, this just made it worse, I literally felt nothing on the inside anymore. All I felt was sadness then the emptiness. Time passed, I'm still not completely over it.
Now, this is where it get's interesting, so my friends were comforting me and stuff, and they told me it was gonna be okay. I started growing close to this friend I had who I hadn't really spoken with him that much over time. It was summer, and I had nothing better to do, so we just talked for hours on end sometimes on skype and text and stuff, because the reason I didn't really talk to him was because he lived in a completely different state than me, which is 13 hours away. So, there's also another thing about me, I'm Pan, and this guy was really great. I assumed he was straight, and I sorta started to like him and stuff. I didn't tell him this, but then it sorta came out that I did. He wasn't really surprised about it, so I asked him why, and he told me he was Bi. That sorta shocked me because he seemed straight and all. I asked him if he wanted to go out or something, and he said sure. I really loved him, and everything seemed like it was fine, he seemed happy, I felt some sort of happiness with him, and then the truth came out. See, the truth was that he was never really happy. He was like me, depressed, and he felt that no one cared about him. I told him I loved him and he was like "Yeah no you don't" and he denied that we ever had a relationship or anything of that sorts. That just made me felt lied to and hurt and helpless, and I asked him if he really cared. He responded "No I don't care about you or anyone else" That was the first night I ever cut, I felt so bad and so helpless and lied to. I had to deal with all the shit from how messed up my family can be, to having absolutely no friends to talk to because I didn't want to burden them with the fact that I had wanted to kill myself just because how messed up and cruel this whole world can be. I still loved him though, even though he denied ever feeling anything for me or nothing at all. He asked me if I was okay, I told him I wasn't and that I cut myself. He was like "Oh" and then he stopped responding to me. Turn out he was having a panic attack because of all the shit that was happening to him all at once. I apologized for my actions and told him that it'll be fine. He got cold, he went from not caring but at least not acting like he wouldn't care if you died or something to saying "Well, if you kill yourself, it'll never affect me or anything." That hit me hard and I tried a bunch of shit to kill myself, I tried OD'ing on Pain killers, I cut myself way more then I should've, I almost hung myself, I was getting really bad, I just wanted to leave this world,. The way I felt about him was different, I've never really had any relationships ever, I still haven't kissed someone, hugged someone, and all the other stuff people do in relationships to this day, granted, I'm socially awkward and shy and I'm okay with that. He understood and told me he accepted it though. I never felt the way I felt (Well still feel) about him then I did. One day, he really pissed me the hell off and all the shit I did to myself came flying out. He asked me a question: Why didn't you tell me? I told him how I felt he was treating me and how much of a dick it made him seem. He told me he was sorry for everything and that he should just leave my life so I don't feel anymore pain. I accept apologizes easily if they mean them, so I could tell he meant it. I told him to stop, that it isn't going to hep if you just stop talking to me because of what I did to myself, it was my choice, I didn't have to do it, but I did. He was like okay, and we were friends again. I still loved him, he knew that, but he always kept asking why I did. I always told him why, but he still never believed me. Now, its June of 2014, so pretty recently, I was flirting with him. All of a sudden, I get a random message from someone claiming to be his girlfriend and that it would be nice if I stopped flirting with him. I confronted him about this, and he admitted that he had one, even though telling me that he didn't. I got so angry, so much anger from before had all built inside that I told him to fuck off and that no one deserves him. He was like "Bye" and he stopped talking to me. I felt really bad, and I was doing so well, it had been about 5 months I was clean from trying to commit suicide, but I started doing it again. It got bad again, and all I wanted to do was apologize to him for every single thing that I said that day and shit and he wouldn't answer. I finally got to talk to him, I told him how sorry I was and he forgave me. He then told me that the girl who messaged me was never really his girlfriend and I was just told this so I would get over him, which didn't really work that well cause I still love him and stuff. Now, to this day, me and him are better friends than ever, he understands me, he apologized for everything bad he had done to me since this all started and he wouldn't do it again (Though I have my doubts). I understand him, and I helped him through when he had really wanted to cut a few weeks ago. Granted, I've now realized how good my life is and all this other stuff, but I'm still depressed, I still have these urges all the time of wanting to cut, but I know I'm not going to cause I have to change so I don't hurt the people I love. I reflect upon the times that had happened, I think to myself "God, how stupid am I for doing all the shit I did to myself and I didn't even think about what anyone else would have felt if you really had gone through with it?" Does this even count as an experience? Idk I guess it does, it taught me that even though that everything around me seems like shit and it may seem over for you, you have to stay strong, look up, and not hurt myelf because that would just be hurting the people around me, considering that I thought everyone else would be better if I was not around.
