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Friday night i'm gonna drink until my socks fall off so i can rectify this fuckin story. No more fluff and only 'big' words if there are no alternatives. That pisses me off the most......You're not supposed to use complicated words if something simpler exists. Thing is... there's a simpler word to describe anything. Can someone explain this to me? Why do flashy words even exist then? It seems like most people won't even attempt to suspend their disbelief unless the story was converted to a narrated video for their lazy asses. No one wants to wait for a reveal that comes after reading 100 pages. They want their senses assaulted with special effects. I know something's wrong with my writing but i can't get a straight, thoughtful answer, only 'it doesn't flow right', or 'your words are too big'. I don't get it.
 
Where is a safe place to post my story so i can then post it here? i have to get to the bottom of this. Before another year goes by and i'm still telling everyone it's almost finished.......
 

CCVengeance

The one guy hoping for Kai
Here's a little something I wrote. The fantasy equivalent of getting the team together.
Marc

Once the carriage came to a complete stop, Marc exited after Darryk. Marc was met with the front of a tavern, grim and fetid. The sign over the door, rusted through the years, read ‘’Tonlo’s Thirst’’. Marc was taken aback.

‘’You cannot be serious. My man is here?’’ Marc accentuated the last word to make his disapproval clear.

‘’Ah yes, the lad is known for hitting the bottle a tad too much.’’ Darryk snickered through the words, amused.

Marc looked around once more. Silent, drunk men stared at them, but when Marc tried to meet their gaze they quickly looked elsewhere, mostly the wrapped bottles in their hands. This was not the type of place a Soul Knight should spent his time, Marc thought, but decided to hold judgment until he met the man.

Marc followed his friend inside, the wooden door shrieking as they entered. The inside was even worse in Marc’s eyes. The tavern was dark with only faint, hollow lights making their way through half opened windows. Unlike the ones outside, the men inside did not spare even a glance at them, busily burying their stares into their mugs.

Darryk made his way to the barkeeper. She was a small, round woman, with reddish curls and a deep frown on her face.

“Good day, Lada. Where is he?’’ Darryk said in a friendly tone, implying that this was far from the first time he was here.

‘’Upstairs, as per usual. You really ought to do something with the fellow.’’ She said with an irritated voice. ‘’He spends too much time here, and people have been afraid to come and get in trouble with a drunk Mage. It’s bad for business!’’

Darryk assured her he would remedy the situation, but Marc felt that he had no intention to do so. It felt strange, seeing his old friend, one who stood by his words, ring out hollow promises. Things had really changed in the last decade. Knights spending their time with their vices, a murderer hailed as a hero and the old guard, supposed to set an example, growing disillusioned.

Darryk lead him up the stairs into a second floor, previously unseen by Marc. Half a dozen doors filled it, but both went to the farthest one. Darryk knocked on it then turned to Marc.

‘’You should know, before you see him like this. He is a really good man when sober, keep that in mind.’’ Marc shrugged.

Both men entered the room. It was completely empty except for a small bed and a chair next to it. Laid across the chair was the upper part of a soul mage uniform, a dark blue cloth sitting on top of it. In the bed, covered in sheets, was the figure of a man. Darryk pulled out his pistol and looked over to Marc.

‘’Watch carefully’’. Darryk pulled back the pistol’s hammer. The clicking noise was loud as a cannonball.

Suddenly, from under the sheets came an arm. It held a pistol in its grasp. The full sea of blankets was cast aside to reveal a man. He looked angry for a moment, but upon realizing who he was aiming at dropped his weapon. Darryk gave a roaring laugh.

“God, Sir! You scared me shitless!’’ The man said as he scratched his head. He stared at both men, and upon seeing Marc’s disapproving frown he whispered out an apology.

The man got up in a rush and started to dress. He stumbled as he did it, leaving no question about his liquored state. Marc studied him, he was no older than 30, with black wavy hair, long mutton chops and a well kept mustache.

‘’You were supposed to report to me at first light. You have a new mission, and a new commanding officer, as well.’’ Darryk explained, still amused about his joke.

‘’Is that so?’’ The man, with his back to the group, fastened his gloves. ‘’Who’s so important that it couldn’t wait till midday?’’ The man’s blatant lack of respect annoyed Marc.

‘’Marcos Alexadros.’’

The man felt silent. He turned, wide eyed, and stared for a moment at Darryk. His eyes fell on Marc, and a sense of panic filled his expression. He quickly straightened, put his hand to his chest and lowered his head.

‘’F-Forgive, sir!’’ The man’s voice shook. ‘’ I had no idea you had come back to the order, sir!’’

‘’At ease, soldier.’’ Marc assured him, filling a small sense of satisfaction for shocking him. ‘’What is your name?’’

‘’Millin Frayth, sir. I am yours to command.’’ Despite his best effort, Millin still stumbled.

‘’Millin here is one of our most gifted knights. I have no doubt he could rise to leadership in the next few years.’’ Darryk said. In the back of his mind, Marc was skeptical, but he never dared to judge before time.

Darryk quickly explained the situation to Millin. He nodded fiercely, becoming more focused as time went on. Marc saw as the drunken fool became a rightful Soul Knight. Once Darryk finished, Millin turned to the chair, picking up the blue cloth and a necklace, hidden under it.

‘’Before we go, I need breakfast.’’ Millin wrapped the Blue cloth over his right shoulder, revealing a coat of arms of a dagger piercing a flower, signaling his mark of nobility. He pinned the cloth with a golden chain across his left shoulder. He put the necklace on, a pendant with The Great Light, the symbol of The Temple.

‘’You can get something downstairs. I’m sure Lada would gladly feed you if it meant to be rid of you.’’ Darryk quipped.

‘’No need for that.’’ Millin reached for a wine bottle on the floor. From what Marc could tell, it was half empty. In 2 gulps Millin finished his drink.

‘’Bah! All done.’’ He proclaimed, cleaning his mouth with his arm. ‘’Let’s go.’’


TO BE CONTINUED…….
 
Fuck it, i can't wait.

I think your writing is good. It's on par with everything in my story, except it's better than mine when it comes down to the intricacies around dialogue i think. i prefer spending time describing places and events more than people. my story probably suffers from that preoccupation. still, i think your stuff is the best i've seen here, though i have noticed some issues. i like how you handle dialogue though. good stuff.
 

CCVengeance

The one guy hoping for Kai
Fuck it, i can't wait.

I think your writing is good. It's on par with everything in my story, except it's better than mine when it comes down to the intricacies around dialogue i think. i prefer spending time describing places and events more than people. my story probably suffers from that preoccupation. still, i think your stuff is the best i've seen here, though i have noticed some issues. i like how you handle dialogue though. good stuff.
Thank you, kind sir! Personally, I think dialogue is my weakest point. This is because i sometimes believe I write things I believe are out of character for that particular character. If you have posted any of your work here I would very much like to read it.
As for Spoiler Tags you do this: [Spoiler6] Message Here [/Spoiler6] minus the 6 of course, since that's to show how it's done.
 
i suck with computer stuff. where online do i post it? i don't know how to link stuff well either. i'll prob mess it up. wish we still had a way to upload directly here, but they took that away from us.
 
the only real issue (if it is) and i told others this.....is writing two sentences in a row b4 suggesting who is speaking.
"You cannot be serious," Marc said, "My man is here?"
Maybe put 'here' in italics to show emphasis.
 
maybe just say the men looked at the bottles they embraced. see that's another thing... a great writer once said something like this......People who see faults with your work are right 90% of the time. However, their attempts (and mine) to offer a fix are hardly ever correct. i'll just point things out. you deal with them.
 
the man said as he scratched his head.

You just need to iron out grammatical stuff better i think.

In the back of his mind, Marc was skeptical. This is another thing i have trouble with. Who knows Marc was skeptical? Who's the narrator?

One last thing i noticed is puntuation. Some periods should be commas. Look over your sentences again.

and a necklace, hidden under it (don't think you need that comma but i could be wrong.)

," he proclaimed, cleaning his mouth with his arm.

Dialogue like i said is good. just clean it up a bit. :)
 

Desperdicio

Tell me, do you bleed?
Im no writer, but I am a reader. If. I could give you tips from My favorite stories they all have involved a tale of a singular entity, rarely straying into other characters thoughts or motivations. "A day in the life of Ivan Denisovich" is a great example, as is "How much Land does a man need"
On the other spectrum, introducing dozens of characters is another favorite style of mine, such as Anna karanin, and 100 years of solitude.

Most important, and shared by members of both of these is a consistent chronological order of events, that take place in an obvious and clear time frame. (Hence why 100 years of solitude, and A day in the life of Ivan Denisovich are so damn good.)
Good taste, man! Tolstoy is great. I read How much land does a man need and Anna Karenina, I have to finish War and peace yet.
 

CCVengeance

The one guy hoping for Kai
the man said as he scratched his head.

You just need to iron out grammatical stuff better i think.

In the back of his mind, Marc was skeptical. This is another thing i have trouble with. Who knows Marc was skeptical? Who's the narrator?

One last thing i noticed is puntuation. Some periods should be commas. Look over your sentences again.

and a necklace, hidden under it (don't think you need that comma but i could be wrong.)

," he proclaimed, cleaning his mouth with his arm.

Dialogue like i said is good. just clean it up a bit. :)
The narrator is omnipotent but only from the character's POV. SO the narrator is explaining every action and thought the specific character Im writting about.
 
D

Deleted member 28105

Guest
I just finished reading Fight Club again, I think I might try my hand at some palahniukesque writing.
 
i'll try to copy and paste 230 pages when i get a chance then. i'll put one of those tricky spoiler thingies in there too. Holy fuck. I actually got it to work. I'd be honored if someone would tear this story apart. :)
 
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CCVengeance

The one guy hoping for Kai
ah.....it'll be ok. just read it a bit at a time. i didn't want to post 20 parts. i await any kind of criticism.
Okay, reading the intro and chapter 1 I can say it's good but I feel some of your adjectives don't work. I mean, is this supposed to be a good place or a bad place, because you explain the clans as intelligent, peaceful and such but also use disgusting, suspicious and horrible.
So far I give you 7.8/10.
 
The Mazdor are unlike the Banzor and Dzamer. The Damadians/demonoids/monsters (maybe i should stick with one) hate them. What adjectives? The place itself is neither good, nor bad.
 
They are hated because they can't be used as they are and have polluted the landscape with their massive structures, The Damadians later find out how to use the Mazdor. How is briefly described much later in the story.
 
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Keep in mind, (and maybe i should have included this to a greater degree) the Damadians rest after creating the tribes/clans. While asleep, two members of opposing clans run into each other and fornicate. The Damadians are shaken awake once and they send Blazz and Esmordia to take care of the situation. Many years later, once the Mazdor are well entrenched, the Damadians finally get up. They are not happy as B&E were unsuccessful. Another helpful hint......the Banzor and Dzamer age in reverse. They are born old and age to look youthful. The Mazdor grow like typical humans would. This is something i wanted the reader to discover on his/her own however. It's why Rybella has gray locks for one. ;)
 
The Banzor/Dzamer also age MUCH slower. That's why they're still around after so many years. Rybella looks like a 70 year old human might when she's talking to King Mazzura and gives him that book.
 
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Maybe age in reverse is the wrong way to put it. They look younger as they age. idk. Their intelligence/condition never wavers though. They are also unaffected by the prixellum that grips the Mazdor.
 
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