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CCVengeance

The one guy hoping for Kai
Anyone have issues with my story? Tell me. That's why I posted it. Let me ask again......
What adjectives don't work? I'm going to read that message again.
I have been busy with CEO and RL. Today Im tired so I wont read(might write,though). Monday I have hospital shift and Tuesday I have a university event to attend. Come Wednesday I'll read as much as I can, promise.
 
Think I made some more improvents to my story. Sometimes, I think revising never ends. Eventually I'm going to send it out, but it's not going out in the mail the same way that last disgrace was. The editor I sent it to is probably still laughing.

Anyway, these are the changes I made.
1) Removed most occurrences of a character 'realizing' shit and have tried to show how they did so.
2) I'm playing around with things being more active than passive. Seems to be energizing the story somewhat.
3) Just about every instance of the word 'very' was taken out. Feels redundant. I'll try more of this as well.
4) Also looking into shorter sentences rather than long ones with multiple commas. We'll see how that goes. I've discovered that i can often get my point across with less fluff if i focus more and combine a sequence of thoughts.
5) I'm going to remove a FEW complicated words that i think most readers would just skip anyway. I'm having a hard time with this even though I know it's the right thing to do.
 

CCVengeance

The one guy hoping for Kai
Mr. Dust runs the gauntlet Part 1:

“You’re drinking too much’’ White shattered the silence as Dust stuffed his face with a goblet. ‘’How in blazes are you going to fight drunk?’’

‘’What kind of man takes on such a challenge without wine in their system?’’ Sand slammed the goblet down and gestured Damont to fill it again. ‘’I can’t do battle without a spear in hand and a stomach full of liquor”.

‘’Your stomach will be spilled all over the floor if you take another sip, you fool!’’ White reached out to stop him from drinking again, but Dust wavered and left the cup untouched.

‘’White...’’ Dust aimed his finger at Tann Suhn, his large figure sitting in his high chair beyond the arena. ‘’Tann Suhn is a living legend, a man that has won countless battles. He has left a trail of corpses from here to the farthest sunset imaginable’’.

‘’And you are going to fight him…’’ White said a tone of uncertainty clear.

‘’Of course not!’’ Dust walked toward the arena. ‘’I’m going to kill him.’’

3 paces away from the group, Dust gestured with his hand without looking back. Damont threw a spear at him, landing perfectly in his palm. He spun the weapon rapidly with both hands as he walked forward. Once he was in the center he slammed the end of the spear in the ground, making a sharp sound that drew the crowd’s attention.

The audience, men and women dressed in fine clothes and wearing porcelain masks whispered to each other, waiting for the action. Tann arose from his chair, his appearance that of a bronze statue. He snapped his fingers, making his guards disperse and surround the arena. A silence slithered through the battlefield.

‘’So’’ Dust spoke. ‘’Where is my first opponent?’’

‘’Already there’’ Tann gloated as something impacted Dust on his side.
 

PaletteSwap

Misanthropiate
I'm a music writer and lyricist but I've never given writing a book a shot.

I'm a big picture guy. I can brainstorm and revise, but arranging a bunch of elements and ideas into a cohesive, flowing story seems like the most daunting task ever.
 
I wrote quite a bit of poetry and lyrics to songs that i created on MTV Music Generator back in 1999-2001, Palette Swap. It was fun. Wish i didn't let a friend convince me to destroy the music though. One of my favorites was about a young man on D-Day who was trying to get past the fact that he had never felt the warmth of a woman and was likely going to die alone on that dreadful beach. The sacrifices those kids made........ remarkable doesn't even begin to describe them.
 
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@ Palette Swap

Throw something at us. We will enjoy it I'm sure. And.... if you want to criticize something, i have a story that's nearly complete (page 21 i think). I could use some help with it. Trust me, you won't hurt my feelings either. Thanks.
 
anybody got new stuff to read? i keep discovering ways to make my story better so i keep replacing things. it'll get there. your stories will too if you keep working at it. :)
 
Ok. I enjoyed it, but........it seems to get complicated with all those status elements and traits. Too much going on description wise (for me anyway). I think you could remove some things, but that's up to you. Agility/reflex are very similar. Willpower/fortitude are essentially the same thing. I think Supernaturality is too general. That can be a thousand different things. Will you ever explain why Taliren was banished (I don't know if I missed that), or, why that other guy was imprisoned?

I liked the dialogue exchanges. What is the purpose of the italicized words between paragraphs? I tried something like that in my previous story in an attempt to add depth (the italicized words were entire paragraphs hinting at secrets in the story), but I think I just made my story more difficult to follow and removed them.
 
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TheGabStandard

The anticipation is killing me
Hi all, as promised here is a brief scene from the novel I'm co-writing at the moment. Finally got back to working on it after EVO/holiday. Will post more content if/when I am happy with it. All criticism appreciated as I'm looking to improve :).

The usual throng of people started to filter in the Midnight Moon Inn as the cold night’s frost set in, all eager to warm by the fire and get a hearty meal. There was never much coin to spare in the village and Jasmine being the charitable person she was, prices for her food were cheap. However for all her good nature it earned her barely more than a nod by the patrons. As always she did the work and it was her brother Aiden who got to sit down with the men and the women sat down on him, soaking up the glory of the busiest establishment in the village. Today though, Jasmine didn’t care. She nodded curtly and brought food and drinks to tables but her eyes barely left the door for more than two seconds, anticipating the moment when Gresham would enter and quell the rising panic in her stomach. What made it worse was that she had no idea what the cause was. No idea why she suddenly felt fearful.

When Farmer Creedy and his son Samuel entered she shot a warning glance at Aiden. She felt a little sympathy when she saw the black and blue bruise that Samuel sported on his eye, which made him squint and the cut on his lip.

He was harmless after all and sweet in his own way. At the same time it served him right for making up stories. With that there was no chance of anything between them, but his friendship was nice because he was so unassuming. He didn’t have the wits to try and coerce her into bed. But now that she thought about it, why would a nice boy like Samuel say that he had bedded her.

Her eyes met with Samuel’s and he gave her a weak smile. The action alone made her panic and she scurried back into the confined seclusion of the kitchen.She didn’t want to deal with the boy that discussed their false relations, nor the judgment of everyone else in the inn. All he did was give her a kiss on her cheek, not exactly something worthy of telling the world. How that has exploded to Samuel bedding her was beyond her, and then she heard it. The high pitched, skin crawling cackled laugh of Elsie Tanner was unmistakable. She was now certain that somehow Elsie had a hand in concocting this story of Jasmine and Samuel being together.

For a reason Jasmine had never known Elsie had disliked Jasmine since the first time the two had come into contact as infants. Over time the dislike became mutual until it teetered on base hatred.She decided to wait by the window of the kitchen, either for them to leave or for Gresham to arrive. Soon enough she was daydreaming.

She had been lost in her own magical world, where on this particular visit she had been riding a mighty steed into battle against a faceless enemy. When the fighting was done and she stood tall as the victor, she felt the pride of being a winner, a champion, a hero. Something that reminded her that all she ever quite managed to do was dream. A movement somewhere in front of her dragged her back to her senses and she peered out into the desolate greyness. It hadn’t rained since the afternoon but the frost had taken hold and transformed the moisture in the air to a thick white fog. She heard a shuffling sound, no doubt carried over a great distance from the thickness of the atmosphere and then a voice. Was she hearing things or was that voice Gresham?

She bolted from her stool, letting it clatter to the floor and ran through the common room. Normally nobody would have noticed her unless she was bringing them more drink, but now every eye was on her. She could not shake the feeling that if she could just see Gresham, somehow everything, every nameless fear she felt would just melt away. She hurried through the people, even daring to push past them and out the door into the cold night. She heard Aiden calling after her and Elsie’s cackle again, but she was away before the door closed.

Outside the fog was even thicker than she had imagined and was forced to slow to a walk. The village she knew every inch of changed so that she couldn’t see more than a few feet ahead. She heard the voice again and was certain it was Gresham, his footfall sounded like he was running.

“Gresham, Gresham is that you?” she called out to the night. The slight whistling breeze was the only reply. She heard footfalls again, closer and more hurried now and moved faster towards it.

“Gresham?” her voice was reduced to a whisper of fear.

And then a deathly whinny echoed in the air.

She ran.

She didn’t know in what direction she was going, or where but all she knew was she wanted to get as far away as possible. She thought she had eventually run around in a circle and was heading back towards the inn so she slowed her pace and chanced a backwards glance. The footsteps and voices had stopped. In fact, there was no sound at all. She turned her head and carried on walking for a few paces until another whinny broke the silence like thunder, right in front of her. The gigantic white beast reared up, its muzzle coated in froth and blood, splattering her as it rained down. Against the mood and the mist it cast a terrifying picture. The white horse hit the cobbles with a sickening thud before it lay still.

Jasmine was stunned, never taking her eyes of the beast it in case in suddenly reanimated and attacked her. She whimpered in fear and slowly moved around its body and then she saw the corpse. Covered in blood was the body of a woman.

Jasmine screamed and turned to run but was held tightly by strong hands. She looked up into the deathly white face of Gresham. She struggled but he held her against him. Soon she gave up, not caring what happened and clung to him as sobs wracked her body.
 
Ok.........i took some liberty here, so i hope you don't mind. if you do, i'll delete the post.

1) cold night's frost crystallized. (maybe try some suggestions or follow mine with your own. Just trying to be helpful. :)

2) village, and Jasmine, being the- she was, always set cheap prices for her patrons.

3) However, for all her good-naturedness, it rarely earned her a tip, or an ounce of respect.

4) As always, while she did the work, her brother Aiden enjoyed the company of friends and the affections of women. Together, they often basked in the glow of the busiest, and most successful establishment in the village.

5) But Jasmine didn't care today. She nodded curtly as she brought food and drink to tables, and kept a close eye on the entrance while she anxiously waited for Gresham to quell the rising- stomach. The anticipation of his arrival only made things worse though. A fear that had no cause or explanation suddenly overwhelmed her.

6) Jasmine shot a warning glance at Aidan. She felt a little sympat
 
6) for the black and blue bruise he was sporting under his eye, as well as the cut on his lip that made him squint every time he touched it.

7) Though his son seemed sweet and harmless, he deserved what he got for making up those stories. She knew Samuel blew his chances as soon as they became close friends. She could never be coerced into bed by such an unassuming man anyway. She was beyond his wit in such matters. Still, it perplexed her. There had to be more to it.

8) Their eyes met the moment he walked in and he gave her a timid smile, a tacit reminder of his wrongdoing. The awkwardness of the situation sent her scurrying to the seclusion of the kitchen in the back room.

9) . She (spacing issue)

10) nor should be or i think here (keep following, everything is ordered- you'll see what i mean).

11) inn, who had known, or would soon discover what he did.

12) All he ever accomplished was a kiss on the cheek, and that was hardly worth telling to the rest of the world.

13) How it exploded into Samuel's
 
13) seduction of her was something that escaped her.

14) Then she heard it! (possibly a powerful 1 sentence paragraph.)

15) The high-pitched cackle of Elsie Tanner was unmistakable, especially since it could make anyone's skin crawl.

16) For some reason, Jasmine knew she was responsible for all of this. (Maybe you could explain how by reshaping your previous words. i think you can do better.)

17) Elsie hated her. Always had. She came out of the kitchen, hoping that Gresham would appear to save her from the torment. It didn't take long for her to retreat into a daydream so she could drown out the laughter. Looking out a window, and lost in her own magical world, she envisioned herself above a mighty steed, battling a faceless enemy. (Get bold with the rest of your description.)

18) It was a pleasant dream, like all the others she imagined/ran to when distressed.

19) afternoon, yet the frost

20) A distant voice outside interested her. Could it be Gresham at last?
 
21) She bolted from the stool she had dragged to the window, letting-

22) All eyes were on her.

23) ,somehow all her fear would melt and everything would be all right/ okay.

24) and Elsie's raucous cackle followed her through the closed door.

25) Outside, the fog was thicker than she had thought. Despite her knowledge of the surroundings, she was forced to a slow walk. She heard Gresham again. But why was he running?

26) She heard more footsteps. They accelerated as they got closer to her.

27) She didn't know where she was going. (make it easy on yourself)
28) Finally, rework the end a bit. It could be sharper with some more effort. :)
 

TheGabStandard

The anticipation is killing me
Thanks very much for the feedback and suggestions. One thing I do feel I can improve on is going into the proper details with more description/choice of words. Any comments regarding style, readability etc
 
Readability IS fine. He simply seems unintersted in parts. Why the fuck was Jasmine so full of fear????? Was it because she actually felt something for Samuel, or the fact that Gresham would eventually find out?

The hatred that originated btwn Tanner and Jasmine must be explored or explained more deeply. Does Jasmine know stuff the audience doesn't?? Clarify.

From what I fucking read.........it's like Jasmine doesnt want anyone to know that she might have feelings for Samuel......even though she's waiting for fucking Gresham.

So far, fuck Gresham. Samuel took a beating cuz of his obsession. I wanna know who did it, and how the fuck he's going to avenge himself. That's all, thank you.
 
and your welcome @thegabstandard.i held back a little, if you want a more critical analysis from us, say so. i spent roughly 3 hours writing shit on paper before presenting it to you.,,,,as promised. i just wish people would reciprocate a little.

understand.......evaluating your writing helps my own. take pleasure in that......and keep writing.
 

TheGabStandard

The anticipation is killing me
Good proofreading on Dyzvhtynzal's part. I agree with the edits.
Word abundance too, I'd say. Too much "fear" for example. Luckily, I was still caught by the atmosphere of the prose.
I would advise you to not change the basic story though, unless you wish to.
It does a good enough job of interesting the reader. Readability is just fine.
Thanks for the feedback. As you said word abundance is key and something I need to work on. Basic story I'm happy with so doubt I will change it but will implement most if not all the edits.

and your welcome @thegabstandard.i held back a little, if you want a more critical analysis from us, say so. i spent roughly 3 hours writing shit on paper before presenting it to you.,,,,as promised. i just wish people would reciprocate a little.

understand.......evaluating your writing helps my own. take pleasure in that......and keep writing.
By all means go to town with the critical analysis :). This is basically a new skill I am trying to acquire so really appreciate anyone willing to take the time to drill into the piece and comment what works/doesn't etc and if something is complete rubbish and has no business being yhete then feel free to say so. This is the kind of thing that will definitely help me improve as a writer. Also I will answer your questions in the previous post in a little while when I've had more sleep ;)