GeoffBedlam
Noob
Note: This is gonna be a little personal. And probably pretty long, so I don't even expect anyone to really read it all. I don't wanna divulge too much information about myself but, long story short, I'm a very anxious person. I've also got a bit of a temper on me, as much as I hate to admit it. I figured that with the deeply personal thread Vagrant did recently, maybe I can reach out and put some of what's going on with me on the table. Hopefully I'll get a little help with it all or at least have someone that relates to it. This'll probably just be taken down or you'll think I'm some kind of loser, but whatever. I gotta get it out there.
I've been out of competitive play for a while now, simply because of these traits of mine have become even more apparent over the last year or so. Before then, I was able to run long sets and jump right into Ranked without literally being on the verge of a panic attack. Sure, sometimes I'm in a good enough mood were I can play a dozen games with a buddy of mine, but for the most part I can't go anywhere near a fighting game without my anxiety kicking in.
Back in my golden days of MK 9 and I:GAU, I was a pretty good player. Not amazing, but I could hold my own against high-level players, and that's something I'm really proud of. I've never really been "pretty good" at anything, so to go toe-to-toe with the best player in my country in MK 9 and put up a decent fight means a lot to me. It's all turned to shit though in, like I said, the last year. I just freeze and worry and think I'm being judged negatively for it all. It's hard to even explain it, really.
Then there's the anger that comes with it. Like pretty much everyone, I have insecurities. The most predominant of which is not being as good as I once was. It's probably my biggest weakness. These days I get hot-headed far too quickly because I'm already anxious, so I end up making a lot of mistakes and not thinking clearly at all. It also doesn't help that here in Australia there's barely any offline scene (that I know of), which restricts me to pretty much nothing but online play. Just like the anxiety, it's hard to explain. I get so worked up and angry that I go beyond the point of rational thinking and convince myself that whoever I'm facing off against legitimately has something personal against me (which can be the case when playing online thanks to trolls and the like).
If you've read this far, you're probably thinking I'm not fun to play against at all. In which you would be completely right (well, I'm pretty free at this point, so the wins might amuse you). That's the key word here, though; fun. I don't get any of it from playing fighting games anymore except for them few times here with my buddy. I mean, I had a set with him in K.I the other night and, despite losing something like 14-3, I was having a lot of fun. I miss having fun.
With MK X dropping about two months, I want to be able to fully invest myself in the competitive aspect of it and get back into the swing of things. I'm not going to be able to do that if I can't pull myself together.
This is honestly just me kind rambling here, so if some things don't make sense, my bad. I just felt like I need to get this off of my chest. And if you've read this far, thanks.
I've been out of competitive play for a while now, simply because of these traits of mine have become even more apparent over the last year or so. Before then, I was able to run long sets and jump right into Ranked without literally being on the verge of a panic attack. Sure, sometimes I'm in a good enough mood were I can play a dozen games with a buddy of mine, but for the most part I can't go anywhere near a fighting game without my anxiety kicking in.
Back in my golden days of MK 9 and I:GAU, I was a pretty good player. Not amazing, but I could hold my own against high-level players, and that's something I'm really proud of. I've never really been "pretty good" at anything, so to go toe-to-toe with the best player in my country in MK 9 and put up a decent fight means a lot to me. It's all turned to shit though in, like I said, the last year. I just freeze and worry and think I'm being judged negatively for it all. It's hard to even explain it, really.
Then there's the anger that comes with it. Like pretty much everyone, I have insecurities. The most predominant of which is not being as good as I once was. It's probably my biggest weakness. These days I get hot-headed far too quickly because I'm already anxious, so I end up making a lot of mistakes and not thinking clearly at all. It also doesn't help that here in Australia there's barely any offline scene (that I know of), which restricts me to pretty much nothing but online play. Just like the anxiety, it's hard to explain. I get so worked up and angry that I go beyond the point of rational thinking and convince myself that whoever I'm facing off against legitimately has something personal against me (which can be the case when playing online thanks to trolls and the like).
If you've read this far, you're probably thinking I'm not fun to play against at all. In which you would be completely right (well, I'm pretty free at this point, so the wins might amuse you). That's the key word here, though; fun. I don't get any of it from playing fighting games anymore except for them few times here with my buddy. I mean, I had a set with him in K.I the other night and, despite losing something like 14-3, I was having a lot of fun. I miss having fun.
With MK X dropping about two months, I want to be able to fully invest myself in the competitive aspect of it and get back into the swing of things. I'm not going to be able to do that if I can't pull myself together.
This is honestly just me kind rambling here, so if some things don't make sense, my bad. I just felt like I need to get this off of my chest. And if you've read this far, thanks.