Step up! Step up! Parasocially attached to a product and treating it as your religion? So fragile you can't take criticism of [product] without it emotionally hurting you yet so desperate for interaction about [product] that you have a pathological need to interact with critical discussions about it? Assblasted about feedback regarding [product]? Fear no more! We've got just the thing for you! It's the Dial-A-Cope input method! Whenever you're faced with criticism about the [product] you've adopted as your personal identity just choose the cope of your choice to banish all criticism and act as if it's irrelevant! And the best part? You don't even have to address the criticism itself! A new miracle wonder cope available now! Take your pick! Just match up the cope to the scenario! And it doesn't matter if you pick more than one! They might directly conflict with each other but that's irrelevant because who cares about being good faith?! Just cope!
They bought the [product]<- "You're shouting into the void. Only sales matter and you contributed to sales so you told the company it's good. Just shut up"
They didn't buy the [product] <- "You've got no skin in the game. You didn't even buy [product] so you're not a customer. Your opinion is irrelevant"
They are still using [product] <- "Heh, well you say it's bad but you're still playing it so I guess you're not THAT unhappy. If you're still using [product], how can you complain about it?"
They aren't still using [product] <- "Um, you don't even use [product]. How can you still complain about it when you're not even familiar with the most recent applications of [product]? Why don't you just shut up"
They are talking about new [product] not having a feature of old [product] <- "Um, NO ONE used that feature. It was worthless. Aren't we supposed to get rid of bad things in [product]? What a stupid, meaningless thing to complain about"
They are talking about a new feature in [product] <-"Um, it's NEW. How can you be upset at them trying something new? Give them time to work the bugs out and be happy we got something new"
They are criticizing [product] before release <- "Ohmigod, shut up! It's not even out yet, how can you complain about it? Wait until [product] actually comes out so you can give meaningful feedback. Yes, of course you should still buy it because otherwise you can't complain about it"
They are criticizing [product] just after release <- "Ohmigod, shut up! It JUST came out! You don't even know enough about it to properly critique it! Give it some time so YOU can understand it better"
They are criticizing [product] after it's been out a while <- "Ohmigod, shut up! It's been out so long why are you STILL talking about this?! Talk about obsessed!"
They are new fans of [product] <- "Shut up, you don't understand why things are the way they are. Settle in and learn before you think you can just throw out criticisms as if you know anything"
They are old fans of [product] <- "Here we go again with the OLD FANS unable to accept anything new and just hating on it because they HATE CHANGE"
They are criticizing [product] in a [product] discussion <- "Just go away! This is a place for people that LIKE [product] and we're tired of your negativity!"
They are criticizing [product] in a non-[product] discussion <- "Just go away! This has nothing to do with [product]!"
They are criticizing [product] in a [product] discussion specifically for criticizing [product] <- "Oh wow can you ALL just shut up? There's been enough discussion about criticism of [product] already!"
That's right a whole world of coping responses right at your fingertips! Pick whichever one works for the situation and, remember, you being unable to countenance the existence of criticism of [product] means you TRULY love it and that it loves you too...and that's all that matters!
