SneakyTortoise
Official Master of Salt
I’ve been meaning to write this for a little while, but life has been keeping me busy and you guys kept providing which left me putting it off, so apologies for that. But here we are, let’s all take a little step back in time and look at the salt that has seeped from the community recently, starting with Evo.
EVO
Well, what can I say, I thought that the character responsible for inducing the most salt at Evo would be so obvious, even someone who is Braindead predicted it, but most people still feared the Tempest. I can’t attest for people at the event, but anyone watching the stream could taste the BS salt bitterly. We were being told every 5 minutes on commentary how “top 8 was going to be nothing but BS Shinnok”, particularly any time Tom Brady was on commentary. Funnily enough, this wasn’t the character that induced the most salt for Mr Brady, but we’ll come back to that later. People were saying that it would be Tanya at CEO all over again, that it was going to be embarrassing for NRS etc, etc. We were being told that tat least half the entrants were BS mains, yet when it came to top 8 not a single one was in sight. Even Rip and Aris were asking “where are all the BS Shinnok mains?” as they had been told by all the whiney NRS bitches that top 8 would be filled with them. Now that is what was embarrassing.
So about that top 8. Shoutouts to Zyphor and OJT for making top 8, I had never even heard of these guys so it was great to see them make it onto the biggest stage of them all at their first tournament. But in all seriousness, major props to Zyphox, and after seeing you on stream at EGL I’m glad you sorted out that awful beard. Also props for DJT’s death smile, looking like he’s just been found not guilty of murder due to a pair of ill-fitting leather gloves (that’s not racist, it’s a pun).
M2Dave also admitted that he owes Zyphox and Honeybee an apology. So, although you may not have won the big bucks that Sonic did, you have something extremely rare that money can’t buy. I advise that you cash in while you can.
I have to say I was a little surprised by the lack of American salt when I saw the top 8 had been set. I was expecting a lot of emo posts that winners’ top 8 was made up by 50% British, 25% Canadian and 25% American. But I guess when you’ve got Sonic still there in losers’ there’s no real need to worry, and that proved to be the case.
Sonic’s Erron Black certainly induced some long-forgotten salt in the stream chat. It also appears that people’s placement of Erron on tier lists fluctuates perfectly in sync with Sonic’s use of him. It will be interesting to see where Yomi place him on their next “tier” list.
However, the biggest ramifications from top 8 came from Milky Situation. We had it on good authority from the Reptile community that this character was unviable. The initiators of the bottom-5-claiming, buff-demanding, whiney bitch club got let off extremely lightly with the blow ups to be honest. I’m glad that milky showed everyone what happens when, instead of spending your time bitching and demanding buffs, you actually learn the character and level up.
We also have potentially a new record set. Can anyone else think of a time where a buff suggestion thread was made for a character the day after that character placed 5th at Evo? No? Well, Shujinkydink sure felt like it wasn’t ridiculous to do such a thing. I don’t know, maybe it was the fact that there was both a Quan Chi main and a Canadian in top 8, neither of which being him, or that he wasn’t even recognised as a Canadian anymore that pushed him over the edge. Maybe it had been the Tanya “block infinite”, I don’t know, but his Quan Children were unsurprisingly there to back up his claims.
TREMOR
Next, Tremor emerged with an earth-shattering bang. The salt was so real among those enlisted in the zoning academy. The prophecy had not come true, Tremor was not the chosen one to save us from the rush down fools. When Tremor received his report card from the headmaster, only one word could be read amongst the scrawl of rage; “Abysmal”. Those easily influenced by the General may have abandoned hope, but a few brave soldiers endeavoured to explore the character further than just scrolling through the frame data in the move list and came to the conclusion that M2Dave was mistaken. This led to one of the most interestingly unusual and entertaining rivalries between M2Dave and D.R.
M2Dave proceeded to enter troll overload and entered every thread singing Tremor’s praises of “lightning fast projectiles” and so on. I thought I might have to wait for the day that Dave eventually showed up to a tournament to see him face a Tremor, but luckily, Pig stepped up with a Red Hot Sunday and gave the people what they wanted. Despite being entertaining, I didn’t read much into this set as I know what MKX is like online and I’m sure that M2Dave would not have used a victory over DJT’s Tremor online to boast or gloat, absolutely not, 100% not something he would do, not a chance.
Since seeing Tremor in an offline setting against some of the best players in the world, I believe Dave has had a humble change of heart and has admitted he will apologise on the next KTP. I am sceptical though and aware that this may be a ploy to gain listeners.
Used for Glue posted a thread about “the first death in MKX”, however, he clearly has not read any salt reports as he would know that he is a bit behind on the death toll. He was the first death to make front page news though.
Now, the question that’s been on everyone’s mind, what does Liu Kang need to be top tier? Yes, this genuinely was a thread. I mean come on guys, Liu Kang’s not fucking good enough for you? Jesus wept. Although, I do have it on good authority from the sun god himself (no not Kotal Kahn), that only online players know the true potential of Liu Kang and that no offline player will ever realise it. I couldn’t make this stuff up if I wanted to. This did also lead to the use of what seems like this month’s buzzword “pseudo”. We had Pseudo Unblockables with Quan Chi and Pseudo Block infinites with Liu Kang, both of which provided plenty of rage and salt.
EGL
Now onto EGL. It’s hard to say who was the most salty after this tournament. The three contenders are Shinnok haters, Shinnok mains and Reo fanboys.
Let’s start with the first. After falling short at Evo, BS Shinnok finally made his impact at EGL at the hands of Wound Cowboy. Despite saying that he would never play Shinnok and that he was only going to play the best in the game, I’m not sure what he expects us to think when he tells us Shinnok’s “time is up” and that he’s not top 5. But that aside, Wound’s dominating performance with primarily BS Shinnok left a bitter taste in many people’s mouths, as if they had visited Shinnok’s Gory Hole for real. The Shinnok haters like to bring up the familiar arguments of “braindead character” and “no losing matchups”. But we have to give Wound props for winning with no options.
Now, you may be confused by the second contender. What on earth could Shinnok mains be salty about? Well, they are fearful of the upcoming patch and the nerfs that may come with it, so seeing all the complaining about their character is getting them all riled up. Only time will tell if this Fallen Elder God will fall back to the depths with the other low tiers. One thing’s for certain, if Shinnok is overly nerfed, they will have a bone to pick with many members of the community which I’m sure will be fun.
And the Reo fan boys. Dear God their salt is annoying, obnoxious and disrespectful. Apparently Reo can only be beaten by mere mortals if he doesn’t care about the game. They feel that even if they know the guy they can speak out on his behalf and tell everyone how he feels about the game, while Reo just sits there like a ventriloquist doll. But yeah, I’m sure they’re right, it’s not like the guy moved to a different state to sleep in a room with like 8 other guys and eat, breathe and live MKX for hours on end every day for months. That sounds like something someone who doesn’t care about the game would do.
Special mention to Tom Brady’s post Evo retirement. He went so far as to uninstall the game after being vortexed to death by Quan Chi at Evo (but come on, we can all empathise with that), only to reveal later on that he was “trolling” everyone after a long break of 3 days away from MKX. That was a good one, I’m sure all of 2 people maybe thought you were done for good with MKX. There are rumours that he has threatened to quit if he doesn’t win SummerJam. I’m hoping he pulls a Madzin and dominates, I miss happy Brady and it would be a nice change to see someone else saltier than him.
I’m going to end this report with a game I like to call “spot the salty subtext”. Here’s how it works, below is a tweet. If you think you can see the salty subtext (think there may be a hidden meaning between the lines) then reply and let me know what you think it is. If you don’t see anything else at all, no problem. I will not be posting what I think it is as I have to be a good Tortoise from now on and don’t want to start any arguments, but I’m curious to see what you guys think.
EVO
Well, what can I say, I thought that the character responsible for inducing the most salt at Evo would be so obvious, even someone who is Braindead predicted it, but most people still feared the Tempest. I can’t attest for people at the event, but anyone watching the stream could taste the BS salt bitterly. We were being told every 5 minutes on commentary how “top 8 was going to be nothing but BS Shinnok”, particularly any time Tom Brady was on commentary. Funnily enough, this wasn’t the character that induced the most salt for Mr Brady, but we’ll come back to that later. People were saying that it would be Tanya at CEO all over again, that it was going to be embarrassing for NRS etc, etc. We were being told that tat least half the entrants were BS mains, yet when it came to top 8 not a single one was in sight. Even Rip and Aris were asking “where are all the BS Shinnok mains?” as they had been told by all the whiney NRS bitches that top 8 would be filled with them. Now that is what was embarrassing.
So about that top 8. Shoutouts to Zyphor and OJT for making top 8, I had never even heard of these guys so it was great to see them make it onto the biggest stage of them all at their first tournament. But in all seriousness, major props to Zyphox, and after seeing you on stream at EGL I’m glad you sorted out that awful beard. Also props for DJT’s death smile, looking like he’s just been found not guilty of murder due to a pair of ill-fitting leather gloves (that’s not racist, it’s a pun).
M2Dave also admitted that he owes Zyphox and Honeybee an apology. So, although you may not have won the big bucks that Sonic did, you have something extremely rare that money can’t buy. I advise that you cash in while you can.
I have to say I was a little surprised by the lack of American salt when I saw the top 8 had been set. I was expecting a lot of emo posts that winners’ top 8 was made up by 50% British, 25% Canadian and 25% American. But I guess when you’ve got Sonic still there in losers’ there’s no real need to worry, and that proved to be the case.
Sonic’s Erron Black certainly induced some long-forgotten salt in the stream chat. It also appears that people’s placement of Erron on tier lists fluctuates perfectly in sync with Sonic’s use of him. It will be interesting to see where Yomi place him on their next “tier” list.
However, the biggest ramifications from top 8 came from Milky Situation. We had it on good authority from the Reptile community that this character was unviable. The initiators of the bottom-5-claiming, buff-demanding, whiney bitch club got let off extremely lightly with the blow ups to be honest. I’m glad that milky showed everyone what happens when, instead of spending your time bitching and demanding buffs, you actually learn the character and level up.
We also have potentially a new record set. Can anyone else think of a time where a buff suggestion thread was made for a character the day after that character placed 5th at Evo? No? Well, Shujinkydink sure felt like it wasn’t ridiculous to do such a thing. I don’t know, maybe it was the fact that there was both a Quan Chi main and a Canadian in top 8, neither of which being him, or that he wasn’t even recognised as a Canadian anymore that pushed him over the edge. Maybe it had been the Tanya “block infinite”, I don’t know, but his Quan Children were unsurprisingly there to back up his claims.
TREMOR
Next, Tremor emerged with an earth-shattering bang. The salt was so real among those enlisted in the zoning academy. The prophecy had not come true, Tremor was not the chosen one to save us from the rush down fools. When Tremor received his report card from the headmaster, only one word could be read amongst the scrawl of rage; “Abysmal”. Those easily influenced by the General may have abandoned hope, but a few brave soldiers endeavoured to explore the character further than just scrolling through the frame data in the move list and came to the conclusion that M2Dave was mistaken. This led to one of the most interestingly unusual and entertaining rivalries between M2Dave and D.R.
M2Dave proceeded to enter troll overload and entered every thread singing Tremor’s praises of “lightning fast projectiles” and so on. I thought I might have to wait for the day that Dave eventually showed up to a tournament to see him face a Tremor, but luckily, Pig stepped up with a Red Hot Sunday and gave the people what they wanted. Despite being entertaining, I didn’t read much into this set as I know what MKX is like online and I’m sure that M2Dave would not have used a victory over DJT’s Tremor online to boast or gloat, absolutely not, 100% not something he would do, not a chance.
Since seeing Tremor in an offline setting against some of the best players in the world, I believe Dave has had a humble change of heart and has admitted he will apologise on the next KTP. I am sceptical though and aware that this may be a ploy to gain listeners.
Used for Glue posted a thread about “the first death in MKX”, however, he clearly has not read any salt reports as he would know that he is a bit behind on the death toll. He was the first death to make front page news though.
Now, the question that’s been on everyone’s mind, what does Liu Kang need to be top tier? Yes, this genuinely was a thread. I mean come on guys, Liu Kang’s not fucking good enough for you? Jesus wept. Although, I do have it on good authority from the sun god himself (no not Kotal Kahn), that only online players know the true potential of Liu Kang and that no offline player will ever realise it. I couldn’t make this stuff up if I wanted to. This did also lead to the use of what seems like this month’s buzzword “pseudo”. We had Pseudo Unblockables with Quan Chi and Pseudo Block infinites with Liu Kang, both of which provided plenty of rage and salt.
EGL
Now onto EGL. It’s hard to say who was the most salty after this tournament. The three contenders are Shinnok haters, Shinnok mains and Reo fanboys.
Let’s start with the first. After falling short at Evo, BS Shinnok finally made his impact at EGL at the hands of Wound Cowboy. Despite saying that he would never play Shinnok and that he was only going to play the best in the game, I’m not sure what he expects us to think when he tells us Shinnok’s “time is up” and that he’s not top 5. But that aside, Wound’s dominating performance with primarily BS Shinnok left a bitter taste in many people’s mouths, as if they had visited Shinnok’s Gory Hole for real. The Shinnok haters like to bring up the familiar arguments of “braindead character” and “no losing matchups”. But we have to give Wound props for winning with no options.
Now, you may be confused by the second contender. What on earth could Shinnok mains be salty about? Well, they are fearful of the upcoming patch and the nerfs that may come with it, so seeing all the complaining about their character is getting them all riled up. Only time will tell if this Fallen Elder God will fall back to the depths with the other low tiers. One thing’s for certain, if Shinnok is overly nerfed, they will have a bone to pick with many members of the community which I’m sure will be fun.
And the Reo fan boys. Dear God their salt is annoying, obnoxious and disrespectful. Apparently Reo can only be beaten by mere mortals if he doesn’t care about the game. They feel that even if they know the guy they can speak out on his behalf and tell everyone how he feels about the game, while Reo just sits there like a ventriloquist doll. But yeah, I’m sure they’re right, it’s not like the guy moved to a different state to sleep in a room with like 8 other guys and eat, breathe and live MKX for hours on end every day for months. That sounds like something someone who doesn’t care about the game would do.
Special mention to Tom Brady’s post Evo retirement. He went so far as to uninstall the game after being vortexed to death by Quan Chi at Evo (but come on, we can all empathise with that), only to reveal later on that he was “trolling” everyone after a long break of 3 days away from MKX. That was a good one, I’m sure all of 2 people maybe thought you were done for good with MKX. There are rumours that he has threatened to quit if he doesn’t win SummerJam. I’m hoping he pulls a Madzin and dominates, I miss happy Brady and it would be a nice change to see someone else saltier than him.
I’m going to end this report with a game I like to call “spot the salty subtext”. Here’s how it works, below is a tweet. If you think you can see the salty subtext (think there may be a hidden meaning between the lines) then reply and let me know what you think it is. If you don’t see anything else at all, no problem. I will not be posting what I think it is as I have to be a good Tortoise from now on and don’t want to start any arguments, but I’m curious to see what you guys think.
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