SneakyTortoise
Official Master of Salt
Okay, so first off, apologies for the lack of Salt Reports lately. There are a few reasons for their absence, one involving filthy gypsies, but thankfully I’ve received the inspiration I needed to get back in the game. I’m going to try and cover as much of the past 3 weeks as I can in a fairly concise manner in order to get back on track for weekly reports again, because you just know that Evo is going to induce a lot of salt, as will the rock throwing beauty that is Tremor. So again, apologies if the jokes are few and far between with this one because I’m just trying to catch up really.
A slight disclaimer too. Usually on my reports I like to only include things that feel like the consensus from that community, but there’s been too much shit thrown around on TYM lately which cannot be ignored, so this is more of an exception to that. Also, some of this was actually written about 2 weeks ago, so just drive the DeLorean around the block while reading those bits (it'll probably be obvious which bits).
But before we wade through the salt of the past 3 weeks, I’d like to give a shout of to the Sub-Zero community for spawning the individuals that gave me the kick in the ass I needed to write another report. I am, of course, referring to those that think MKX Sub is worse than his MK9 incarnation. It really does take a special kind of selective-memory suffering, spoilt bitch to believe this. People are notorious here for looking back at MK9 with rose-tinted glasses (I’ve even seen people looking forward to playing MK9 ONLINE again), but this takes the big one. Seeing so many people parroting Brady’s catchphrase and having no idea what they’re talking about really makes sick. But maybe I’m being a bit harsh, maybe these kind individuals are really showing an act of compassion, and after seeing the 149th thread by Brady on the Ice Klone, they are offering themselves up to be his clone in real life. After seeing Brady jump ship into the arms of the Predator, I can only imagine how tempted Paulo must be to patch the trap to disappear if Predator blocks an attack. I almost forgot to include this, did you guys know that Sub Zero has an overhead “that you can read”? I mean, fucking hell I couldn’t make this shit up.
Week 11 saw two major salt-inducing events, the first being the patch, the second beingAtlanta Kombat Arena CEO. I’m going to start with the former.
Obituaries
Scorpion
It is said that what is dead may never die, unless you’re Scorpion. Most Scorpion mains weren’t happy with hellfire getting hit by the nerf hammer, and many are now rating it as worse than ninjitsu, however, the biggest over reaction came from a particular inferno thread entitled “RIP Inferno Scorpion”. This thread started off with all the promise of being an entertaining read, and then Slips ensured that it absolutely delivered. I would like to take this moment to point out that Slips has become a bit like that Uncle who’s awesome at family events and everyone likes him, but he only ever turns up unannounced a few times a year, gets wasted and provides the entertainment that everyone needs, before disappearing again just as quickly as he arrived.
What were the mains gripes you may ask? Losing a string that does 6% chip damage (You went too far Paulo!) and losing 2% from a bnb (the horror!). I shit you not, a guy even commented in it saying “bad things happen to good people” and he wasn’t even taking the piss! I was done at that point, I almost couldn’t go on.
Johnny Cage
I remember reading a brilliant thread or potentially a comment on the patch notes thread about fisticuffs cage after the patch, but upon writing this I am unable to find it again. Did the author get embarrassed and delete it? Did a mod banish it to the Netherrealm due to its absurdity? Either way, Tortoises are much like Elephants, in that we never forget, and on behalf of a particular fisticuffs main I have to ask you all that we never forget fisticuffs Johnny, he was never allowed to live.
Salty Communities
Ferra/Torr
Potentially the most upset with the recent patch notes were the Ferra/Torr mains. Not receiving the buffs that were promised them, they have decided to protest. But they will not kick up a fuss and scream and cry like other communities, but instead have taken inspiration from Torr and are protesting in silence with masks of their own, their grumblings of salt remain in the shadows. I’m also unsure whether or not they’ve fallen victim to their own gimmick and actually believe that F/T is unviable, or maybe they just feel left out with everyone else receiving buffs but them.
(This^ is now out of date due to the more recent hot fix, but pretend you read this like 2 weeks ago)
Sub-Zero
Tom Brady had an almost surprisingly calm and positive reaction to the patch notes, unfortunately the same cannot be said for his clones. “What about me?” was the common response from Sub-Zero mains upon reading the patch notes, like the spoilt shithead kids who demand their parents buy them the latest toys that their friends have. Many of them are still buying the bullshit agenda that was sold to them about the Sub-Zero nerfs and they just cannot be reasoned with anymore. With some stating that he was “nerfed to hell” and is now “completely useless” after not receiving a buff to the klone where it instantly wins you the match upon use, I don’t even need to write a joke about these guys, they’re already the punchline.
Kano
Holy shit have things kicked off in the Kano community lately. An absolute schism has formed between those demanding nerfs (everyone except youphemism) and those thinking he is fine and competitive just as he is (youphemism). Shoutouts to KH Royale for being able to compete with a character that “cannot compete”, you have clearly transcended into God tier. Although you lose respect points for not using the godlike kold war skin in one of your matches, that was almost enough to make me stop rooting for you.
Now onto CEO and *that* top 8. Fucking hell did that get everyone salty, and possibly rightly so to be honest. I’m one of the few that actually enjoyed watching pre patch Tanya on stream, but even I had to draw the line at mirrors. That top 8 was horrible, in the end people were actually hype to see Reptile’s krack for fuck’s sake. Luckily we had the beacon of truth that is DJT, not only mopping people up all day, but actually winning in GFs with Sub Zero. I have no idea why no one thought to film Paulo and Boon during Top 8 or Brady during GFs, I’m sure we’ve missed out on some great opportunities there.
Also, shoutouts to Paulo for the most godlike tweet during CEO, in case you missed it: here
Finally, for ESL. There was a bizarre backlash on TYM, but I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised now should I? There were people attempting to put Kitana mains “on blast” despite almost every Kitana main getting down on their knees for Paulo after their buffs. I guess all those “loyalists” that jumped ship to Tanya during the dark times would like us to forget about that right? Don’t worry, the few that stuck with her through thick and thin will be remembered, it's unfortunate that we can't see the history of profile pictures here.
I am curious to know how M2Dave felt seeing SonicFox win 60k through zoning and excellent footsies, with a character that doesn’t make his list of top 5 zoners in MKX in a game where he said zoning and footsies are dead, bearing in mind what he has previously claimed about Sonic’s own fundamentals. It must have been an unusual sense of internal conflict which I would love to see expressed in another thread.
I’m going to end it there and will return to weekly reports. With Evo this weekend and Tremor around the corner, I’m sure there’ll be plenty of delicious Salt for me to work with. Apologies for brushing over certain areas briefly and I’m sure I’ve left some things out that I was meant to include, but there was a lot to get through and I’m itching to learn Predator. See you all after Evo.
A slight disclaimer too. Usually on my reports I like to only include things that feel like the consensus from that community, but there’s been too much shit thrown around on TYM lately which cannot be ignored, so this is more of an exception to that. Also, some of this was actually written about 2 weeks ago, so just drive the DeLorean around the block while reading those bits (it'll probably be obvious which bits).
But before we wade through the salt of the past 3 weeks, I’d like to give a shout of to the Sub-Zero community for spawning the individuals that gave me the kick in the ass I needed to write another report. I am, of course, referring to those that think MKX Sub is worse than his MK9 incarnation. It really does take a special kind of selective-memory suffering, spoilt bitch to believe this. People are notorious here for looking back at MK9 with rose-tinted glasses (I’ve even seen people looking forward to playing MK9 ONLINE again), but this takes the big one. Seeing so many people parroting Brady’s catchphrase and having no idea what they’re talking about really makes sick. But maybe I’m being a bit harsh, maybe these kind individuals are really showing an act of compassion, and after seeing the 149th thread by Brady on the Ice Klone, they are offering themselves up to be his clone in real life. After seeing Brady jump ship into the arms of the Predator, I can only imagine how tempted Paulo must be to patch the trap to disappear if Predator blocks an attack. I almost forgot to include this, did you guys know that Sub Zero has an overhead “that you can read”? I mean, fucking hell I couldn’t make this shit up.
Week 11 saw two major salt-inducing events, the first being the patch, the second being
Obituaries
Scorpion
It is said that what is dead may never die, unless you’re Scorpion. Most Scorpion mains weren’t happy with hellfire getting hit by the nerf hammer, and many are now rating it as worse than ninjitsu, however, the biggest over reaction came from a particular inferno thread entitled “RIP Inferno Scorpion”. This thread started off with all the promise of being an entertaining read, and then Slips ensured that it absolutely delivered. I would like to take this moment to point out that Slips has become a bit like that Uncle who’s awesome at family events and everyone likes him, but he only ever turns up unannounced a few times a year, gets wasted and provides the entertainment that everyone needs, before disappearing again just as quickly as he arrived.
What were the mains gripes you may ask? Losing a string that does 6% chip damage (You went too far Paulo!) and losing 2% from a bnb (the horror!). I shit you not, a guy even commented in it saying “bad things happen to good people” and he wasn’t even taking the piss! I was done at that point, I almost couldn’t go on.
Johnny Cage
I remember reading a brilliant thread or potentially a comment on the patch notes thread about fisticuffs cage after the patch, but upon writing this I am unable to find it again. Did the author get embarrassed and delete it? Did a mod banish it to the Netherrealm due to its absurdity? Either way, Tortoises are much like Elephants, in that we never forget, and on behalf of a particular fisticuffs main I have to ask you all that we never forget fisticuffs Johnny, he was never allowed to live.
Salty Communities
Ferra/Torr
Potentially the most upset with the recent patch notes were the Ferra/Torr mains. Not receiving the buffs that were promised them, they have decided to protest. But they will not kick up a fuss and scream and cry like other communities, but instead have taken inspiration from Torr and are protesting in silence with masks of their own, their grumblings of salt remain in the shadows. I’m also unsure whether or not they’ve fallen victim to their own gimmick and actually believe that F/T is unviable, or maybe they just feel left out with everyone else receiving buffs but them.
(This^ is now out of date due to the more recent hot fix, but pretend you read this like 2 weeks ago)
Sub-Zero
Tom Brady had an almost surprisingly calm and positive reaction to the patch notes, unfortunately the same cannot be said for his clones. “What about me?” was the common response from Sub-Zero mains upon reading the patch notes, like the spoilt shithead kids who demand their parents buy them the latest toys that their friends have. Many of them are still buying the bullshit agenda that was sold to them about the Sub-Zero nerfs and they just cannot be reasoned with anymore. With some stating that he was “nerfed to hell” and is now “completely useless” after not receiving a buff to the klone where it instantly wins you the match upon use, I don’t even need to write a joke about these guys, they’re already the punchline.
Kano
Holy shit have things kicked off in the Kano community lately. An absolute schism has formed between those demanding nerfs (everyone except youphemism) and those thinking he is fine and competitive just as he is (youphemism). Shoutouts to KH Royale for being able to compete with a character that “cannot compete”, you have clearly transcended into God tier. Although you lose respect points for not using the godlike kold war skin in one of your matches, that was almost enough to make me stop rooting for you.
Now onto CEO and *that* top 8. Fucking hell did that get everyone salty, and possibly rightly so to be honest. I’m one of the few that actually enjoyed watching pre patch Tanya on stream, but even I had to draw the line at mirrors. That top 8 was horrible, in the end people were actually hype to see Reptile’s krack for fuck’s sake. Luckily we had the beacon of truth that is DJT, not only mopping people up all day, but actually winning in GFs with Sub Zero. I have no idea why no one thought to film Paulo and Boon during Top 8 or Brady during GFs, I’m sure we’ve missed out on some great opportunities there.
Also, shoutouts to Paulo for the most godlike tweet during CEO, in case you missed it: here
Finally, for ESL. There was a bizarre backlash on TYM, but I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised now should I? There were people attempting to put Kitana mains “on blast” despite almost every Kitana main getting down on their knees for Paulo after their buffs. I guess all those “loyalists” that jumped ship to Tanya during the dark times would like us to forget about that right? Don’t worry, the few that stuck with her through thick and thin will be remembered, it's unfortunate that we can't see the history of profile pictures here.
I am curious to know how M2Dave felt seeing SonicFox win 60k through zoning and excellent footsies, with a character that doesn’t make his list of top 5 zoners in MKX in a game where he said zoning and footsies are dead, bearing in mind what he has previously claimed about Sonic’s own fundamentals. It must have been an unusual sense of internal conflict which I would love to see expressed in another thread.
I’m going to end it there and will return to weekly reports. With Evo this weekend and Tremor around the corner, I’m sure there’ll be plenty of delicious Salt for me to work with. Apologies for brushing over certain areas briefly and I’m sure I’ve left some things out that I was meant to include, but there was a lot to get through and I’m itching to learn Predator. See you all after Evo.
That should tell you something...
. As for the poll, I've got Tempest Lao and Boneshaper causing the most salt.