Rico Suave vs. Noobe:
Rico Suave beats Noobe after CD Jr. interferes on Suave's behalf and throws him a chair over the top of the cage. Suave nails Noobe and wins. After Noobe recovers, he asks for the mic and challenges CD Jr. to a hell in a cell match, to which CD Jr. replies with: "Nikka I don't even play this game."
Pimpimjim vs. Revolver:
Pimpimjim looks to throw Revolver off by trying to outweird him, but Revolver is too stoned to care. Eventually, PPJ remembers his Asian roots, gets in touch with his animality, turns into a dragon, and forces Revolver to submit, presumably out of fear (but in reality, arousal).
Pig of the Hut vs. CD Jr
Jr. magically makes it to the cage despite his earlier claims (and he somehow learned a few new moves along the way). CD Jr dominates for a good portion of the early going, leading everyone in attendance to wonder just who can stop the juggernaut, until Pig finally figures out that CD Jr's main go-to strike whiffs if he simply crouched. Pig then takes a step
back, a step
forward, and
charges at Jr with
2 mighty blows to secure the victory. CD Jr then takes it to twitter to complain about the type of mat that was used, which slowed his walking speed significantly, in addition to Pig's braindead tactics.
Theo vs. Dizzy
Wonder Chef walks out in Theo's corner while 16 Bit accompanies Dizzy. Theo and Dizzy spend the early going exchanging hipster stories as Bit and Chef brawl outside. Napalm charges out and lands one on Chef's chin, while Shock walks out and asks security to escort Bit out of the building. Everyone was too distracted to notice what went on inside the cage but reportedly, Dizzy did a full split and was about to nail Theo in the balls, but Jivan simply traited out. Theo was announced the winner after Dizzy quits the
game match.
Carl vs. REO
The build-up is huge. Regardless of its placement on the card, everyone knows this is the real main event. The two spent weeks exchanging shots on twitter and Test Your Might, which saw the "Fraudulent Legend Facts" thread get bumped from the dead before Mikemetroid locked it three and a half minutes later. Perfect Legend walks out to the cage with his two EVO belts and the trademark Perfect Legend T-shirt. In the crowd, a lonely sign reads "Follow @ PerfectLegend." PL asks for the mic before calling for everyone to turn their attention to the titantron. On the big screen, videos of his two EVO victories over REO are played ("get yo ass up!").
That chilling Resident Evil music plays and out comes REO. BY GAWD, HE's ACCOMPANIED BY TRIFORCE~! Unrelated (?) news of Pig of the Hut puking backstage. PL's once longtime manager and the leader of The Empire has sided with his other former client, but a man he wasn't nearly as close to. By gawd the treason! Paul Bearer would be proud. Triforce asks for the mic: "YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT EXTRATERRESTRIALS?! YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT ALIENS!?"
REO calmly walks inside the cage, waits for the opening bell, sneezes, and PL quits in fear of catching Ebola. TYM explodes.
Slayer vs. Wafflez (Joint on a poll match)
The crowd is a bit burned out after the events that transpired in the previous match. Slayer sends five conflicting tweets pertaining to his emotional state on his way to the cage. One tweet reads: "about to be bodied by Wafflez. I suck. #Emo," another reads "I love you all. My twitter followers, friends and family just know how to put a smile on my face."
Wafflez walks out thrown off by the fact that the leader of GGA won't be in his corner for encouragement after the earlier ordeal. Nevertheless, 16 Bit's voice ever guides him "Tommy, you're not awful. You're an adequate Smoke player." Wafflez is fueled by his mentor's uplifting words and uses his new found agility following the weight loss and green diet to climb the pole and claim the prize.
16 Bit vs. JOP (Sumo match)
As JOP is about to be announced the winner by forfeit in light of the 16 Bit fiasco, @
Cal-EL makes his way out: "Listen up playa (Is that racist?): A TYM petition has successfully overturned Shock's ruling despite nobody signing it and only declaring their agreement with its content by posting in the thread. 16 Bit will compete!" The crowd erupts.
Bit walks out to the NWO black and white music which brought him such good luck in the past. The lights go out, and out comes JOP in a Sub Zero costume. By gawd, he's lost a lot of weight. Wait a minute...That's not JOP, that's Bill Menoutis! He grabs the mic, cuts an 83 minute promo, blaming everyone in attendance for events no one even remembers before dropping the ultimate bombshell: JOP has been training in the art of Sumo with Tom Brady, and you know GGA does not understand Sumo like Tom Brady. JOP finally comes out in a Lord Raiden costume that gives BWizz a semi.
Ever used to fighting the 3-7 match-ups, Bit maintains his composure. JOP's notoriously lame style stretches the affair too long, but Bit is unfazed. He remembers the advice of the Sun God himself: make better use of your tools and never make the wrong read. Sure enough, Bit out-muscles (well, sorta) JOP to secure the win, before inevitably popping off on JOP, Eddy Pistons, Tom Brady, the House of Goons, Foxy Grampa, and STB Gr8one.
JamesMK, who was investigating the events which led to Owen Hart's death, walks out, and randomly cuts a promo about egos.
Blind Ducky vs. Oxygen (Cruiserweight match)
Ducky makes about 17 innuendos in the opening two minutes before Oxygen submits to sheer discomfort.
Terry Brothers vs. Canadian Brothers (Tag Team Match)
The Canadian Brothers walk out to close the show and the American homer crowd is unimpressed. "You suck, Biohazard!" yells an overzealous kid to HoneyBee's face. Booker T's music plays (is that racist?) and out comes The Terry Brothers. The crowd goes wild as they all go on a Daniel Bryan style YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP chant. A double bernie triggers the pyro.
After an intense, titanic battle, the lights go out and out comes a swole masked man: "That's gotta be...that's gotta be King!" Forever King rips the cage door, takes out Forever King Jr. from his pocket and the King brothers nail both teams with chairs as the ref calls a no contest...
END SHOW
(God I miss pro wrestling)
Good form, but I can't sustain.
