I don't typically post on these kinda boards often but I can share my incentives I guess with you, OP.
My parents had met in rehab, both were drug addicts. My mom has been physically put through hell through abuse of her ex-husband, my father (two different people) and her own father. Then you add in my older brothers from her old marriage in there abusing me along with my dad and you get the cycle of violence that breeds and molds a certain type of human being. That left me and my siblings to hit people.
As the first paragraph indicates, I grew into a family of alcoholics and drug addicts and abusers. My mother would abuse muscle relaxers and pain pills to deal with her fibromyalgia and if it got real bad, did crack cocaine. My father was the same way with crack.
Growing up was hell. We were poor and as much as welfare seems to be the "way of life" these days that didn't make it any more enjoyable. Soon as my dad was out of my life at 7 due to physical abuse, my mom raised us on her own and due to all of her damage she had the hardest time. I am still surprised to this day how she managed, with how she is unfortunately now. I still remember the hard days of picking her up off the floor because she was too stoned.
School was bad, because even though I was smart my peers around me disliked me. I was a bit awkward, but I didn't exactly come from a good background. Not to mention people were using me left and right. Was nearly raped at a young age by a family member and shit just made me kinda crazy since. I'm very paranoid around new people. I don't like them unless I know I can trust them.
I was in foster care for a year during middle school and was severely mistreated as my mom had to regain her rights for custody.
I have been in a psych ward four times. Three times for suicidal thoughts, and one for anger management. I have attempted to OD on pills about 6 times. Some may call me a crybaby for it, but then again the internet is a breeding grounds for "toxic freedom" that gives people a breath of "life" they couldn't find elsewhere. Truth is I thought I was going to end up killing people, so I thought offing myself was the best way to go.
Between all of my depression and whatever mental craziness that I couldn't understand at the time, I was given meds that were putting me through extremes. They were toxic if not monitored and were hurting my body so bad eventually I became dependent on them until quitting 6 months ago. Nothing quite like breaking down into tears because your body demands a substance you believe was helping you.
They say alcohol and weed or drugs of any kind can relieve the pain to a degree... Well seeing as I do both, they don't. Weed helps relieve some of the stress but weed isn't exactly what's going to get you out of the way you feel or situation. THC isn't a miracle drug as much as some people would like to make you believe. (does not mean it doesn't have it's uses) Alcohol just enhanced the feelings of despair.
I tell you this OP because I believe that even though my situation may sound extreme, people go through things all the time. Some worse than others in the sense of thresholds of pain, but it's true. Hell, i'm still not fully recovered from everything yet and shit still hurts really bad some days. That's mostly why I disappeared for quite sometime away from video games and message boards. The best way to conquer the beast is to slay it head on. Think of positive thoughts, think of what a future can bring you. Think of your loved ones and how much they've tried to put you in the best situation possible or even friends or mentors if family life isn't the best.
I may not of graduated from high school, I may not currently have a job or am doing anything I feel is productive. But damned if i'm not trying to do it, and I would rather die trying than to just give up. You are given one chance to live on this planet the way you are, why not make the best of it?
If anyone wishes to reach out to me in times of despair, or just to talk something out go ahead and PM me or try to contact me by other means. I'm all ears, and I wish to give back what I now know: Hope.
, but it's okay, love to you anyway bro.
