Lt. Boxy Angelman
I WILL EAT THIS GAME
IN OLD SCHOOL BOXY YELLOW!
Scorpion: If you're standing still, you'll probably be on fire very shortly. Throw bombs like stripper beads.
Cyrax lives, but Scorpion doesn't die.
Liu Kang: DO NOT THROW BOMBS LIKE STRIPPER BEADS. He will Bruce Lee you in the throat, and then Bruce Lee you again for an extra 20% on the way down.
Cyrax lives if he can keep his fucking shirt on..
Kung Lao: Pretend he'd a rabid grizzly bear. Lay down your bear traps and hit that fucker before he hits you.
Whoever misses the first note dies. Hard.
Sub Zero: YOU CAN'T HIT ME, NAA NAA NAA BOO BOO. Tell me, HOW IS IT OVER THERE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE SCREEN? I'M TYPING IN CAPS TO EMPHASIZE THE DISTANCE BETWEEN US!
CYRAX LIVES IF HE CAN SCREAM LOUDER THAN SUB.
Sindel: My ninja suit does this awesome thing where it lets me POOF at will. Now you see me? Now I'm behind you unloading like Rambo delivering dozens of really manly, neon green pizzas.
Cyrax lives if he can put on a better magic show than the Queen..
Ermac: If he can't sit still, he can't play basketball with your body. Pretend you're one of thos ereally shitty dance songs on the radio that people cannot help but dance to and MAKE HIM MOVE.
A safe, patient, Cyrax lives.
Reptile: There are few things funnier than watching dash-happy Reptiles accidently Dash right into shit they would've otherwise completely avoided if they'd just STOPPED FUCKING DASHING SO MUCH.
Cyrax lives if he has a steady, sturdy supply of bait in his tacklebox.
I hope someone installed his tacklebox..
Kitana: Always Ninja. Speed is your friend. I'm talking crystal meth go so fast you leave your shadow 3 blocks behind you fast. This she-devil is as confusing as being a hungry baby waking up in a titty bar. Tough fucking call.
Johnny Cage: You laugh at Bombs. You kick through Nets. You punch me in the dick. In spite of the fact that I'm a ROBOT, and by all standards of imagination, my robo-junk is squared away safely in the armor.
Cyrax dies in a flurry of feet and the treacherous stench of narcissism. Asshole.
Jade: Oh, you can dodge Nets, yes. Air Throws, Bombs, B2s, Ragdolls, THE POOF, jab traps on the other hand...well, at least you can dodge Nets.
Cyrax lives, but Jade is still a good lookin' gal, so everybody wins. (<3 you, Jade.).
Mileena: Every time you fucking Telekick, I wish I could blow a bar on an X-Ray, just to laugh maniacally throughout its animation until I piledrive you into the ground. That is the extent to which my hatred for you boils. Way hotter than water. You would be steam. Not even soup. You don't get to be soup. You're fucking steam.
Cyrax dies, unless the pink teenage psychopath gets cocky and locks herself in a bombtrack.
Kids these days...
Nightwolf: Man need Meter to escape Net. Man say "HA! Reflect!" Robot throws Bomb. Man say, "...Fuck."
Yellow Robot live if he can keep space open and remember that MAN HAS A FUCKING TOMAHAWK.
Cyrax: As the mighty Mustard once said...this is the fucking stupidest mirror match in the game. Nothing will make you understand why people hate Cyrax more than fighting Cyrax with Cyrax.
GUESS WHAT? CYRAX IS GONNA FUCKING WIN.
Noob: All I've gotta do to keep you out is block. Your happy ass has gotta play Get The Fuck Out Of The Way if you don't wanna end up on the wrong end of Reset Street.
Smoke: You HAD the title of Dirtiest Player In The Game over me...then I got in touch with my human side.
Cyrax has no mouth or lungs through which to breathe the carcinogenic smoke, therefore he never gets cancer and lives!
Sektor: I will see your absurd assortment of specials with the ability to use the goodies I store in my boobs to make you leap, cut or fancy stance kick your way into my fucking FIST.
The battle of the robots is even. For certain.
Sonya: Youre just a sweetheart
. Until you run out of Meter. Then I'm gonna blow you the fuck up and down the level like a Vegas escort who's been paid to service every tenant of the fourth floor of your apartment building.Cyrax only lives if he can move swift like the breeze through her flowing bitchy blonde hair.
Jax: Looks tall enough to be 6'5". Has a hitbox that screams 5'4". Robot brain is full of fuck.
Cyrax dies, Cyblax lives.
Kano: After searching for weeks for his opponent, Cyrax is informed via thw Twitter feed in his eyes that the Australlian bandit had a full-blown mental relapse after failing to readjust to society, and used the powers of his manly beard and pointy knives to overthrow the entire continent and pushed it into the Indian seaboard. He then sets out on a journey of epic proportions too complicated to explain, culminated by a final battle with six different Kanos of assorted colors on the roof of a Chuck E. Cheese that has been inexplicably perched on top of the sky needle in Seattle. Many people watch. Many more people are crushed and killed when said restaurant falls off its perch and crashes into the ground.
Cyrax lives. Teleport. Duh. But now Austraillia has no leader, and Kano players have no main.
Stryker: NORMAL GUNS RUN OUT OF FUCKING BULLETS. You remind me of Brendan Fraser in The Mummy, who would walk into a fight with 48 mummies with 2 six-shooters AND HE WOULD FUCKING SHOOT EVERYONE! HOW, O'CONNEL?
Cyrax dies in a hail of gunfire, Cyblax pretends he's a fairy godparent and Poofs to safety.
Shang Tsung: Oh, you can zone the whole screen? ME TOO, YOU SOUL-THIEVING PRICK. Why is it that the older and more ancient people become, the better they are at kung fu?
Whoever controls the screen controls the fate of 10,000 years of soul kleptomania.
Baraka: I don't know if Tarkatans celebrate Christmas, but if they do, you better write a long, eloquent letter to Santa Claus describing how good a boy you've been and how deserving you are of Meter to keep me away.
Cyrax lives, Baraka returns to Tarkata and tried to organize a neighborhood house decoration contest.
Kabal: Remember the crystal meth needed to beat Kitana? They don't make drugs that go fast enough to save this fight from ending in a crispy, dizzy, bright purple death.
Cyrax dies, Cyblax dies, everybody fucking dies.
Raiden: I may not be able to zone you, but that doesn't mean I can't put on a smile and karate chop you between the eyes before snagging you in a Net with the words "GOTCHA FUCKER!" emblazoned across it. Unfortunately, I couldn't figure out how to turn the letters a different color, so you can't read it, but I promise you, it's there.
Don't do dumb shit, and you won't die. Plain and simple.
Cyber Sub Zero: you are a rusted, dreadlocked insult to the memory of the robot you were supposed to be. Unfortunately, unlike said robot, you have a fucking Parry. Douche.
Cyrax lives because his Bombs actually EXPLODE.
Sheeva: Being a 7-foot tall female still sucks tremendously.
Cyrax lives if he can keep the Dutchess of the Shokan Amazon from flying into the sky.
Quan Chi: You like hypnosis? I like filling peoples' lives with grenades until they feel like they're trapped in an infinite loop of Bruno Mars and Band Of Brothers reruns. You'll be swimming in Bombs like Michael fucking Phelps.
Cyrax lives if he can force Quan to die. Quan fears not death, only the leakiness of the boat on which he now must sail.
Skarlet: One day, when you develop a vocabulary for advanced than NYAAAAAAAAAAH, I hope you seek out the prick who nerfed your Dagger damage and smash him in the junk with a Blood Ball.
Cyrax lives if he has the good sense to keep away from the Blood Princess, yummy though she may be. It's not worth it, man, she'll never love you...
Kenshi: Go on. Frametrap me when the floor is exploding beneath your feet.
YOU CAN'T SEE, ASSHOLE.
DON'T BRING A BLINDFOLD TO A GUN FIGHT.
Cyrax dies because people like to cheat at the game of visionary disability.
Rain: Is this 1975? Is getting me wet supposed to short out my circuits and void my warranty? I'm not a toaster, motherfucker, and you're not Prince. Prepare for the wrath of pre-patch Michael Jackson. CUZ IM THE THRILLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, THRILLAAAAA NAAAAA...
Cyrax lives because Michael will always be better than Prince.
Freddy: I WILL NEVER FUCKING FORGIVE YOU FOR NOT BEING BO RAI CHO.
I WISH YOU GREAT SUCCESS
