Mortal Make-Over!
Ep. 2
Shang Tsung: Shang Harder!
A phone rings. Guy DiNardo answers groggily.
Guy: “Nothing much. I am about to enjoy some ripple, pork-n-beans and watch the Cubs lose. What do you want?”
A indiscernible voice is heard on the other end.
Guy: “What? Another show? We had an audience member killed in the first one. I can't believe you want another one.”
The voice continues.
Guy: “Sold the show to FOX? Oh, well. I can see how that will work out. Sure, another one. Who's the guest?”
Voice mumbles unintelligibly.
Guy: “Shang Tsung? Wasn't he a roadie for Shonen Knife?”
Voice yells into the phone. Guy moves the receiver from his ear.
Guy: “Ok, ok. Calm down. I get to do another show. The audience sign their wavers?”
Phone: “Yep!”
Guy: “Alright! Let's rock this puppy.” hanging up the phone “Mom! Put your pants on. We got another show to do. And don't look at me that way, you are my ride over.”
Mortal Make-over! Ep. 2
Part 2
Guy: “Hey! Welcome back to everyone's almost-favorite, but definitely not completely hated, show about blood, gore, and pain. And we aren't talking about the 'Jersey Shore.'”
The chirping of crickets and a lone, muffled cough. Guy looks about nervously.
Guy: “Well, we know why you are here. It's that gas leak in Sound Stage 8. Yeah, I know they rushed you here. Anyway, let's welcome our special guest: Shang Tsung!!!”
Mortal Kombat music blares out as Shang Tsung (MK9 young version) walks out. He glares at the crowd as moves briskly towards Guy.
Announcer: “Shang Tsung is an evil, shape-shifting sorcerer that works for Shao Kahn and dines on souls. He likes becoming an old man for early bird specials at Denny's, becoming a child for movie discounts, and a becoming a lovely, young lady to get free drinks at Applebee's.”
Guy: “Shang Tsung? Do you know why you are here?”
Shang: “Yes! I have this coupon for free double jalapeno bacon cheeseburger with a purchase of fries and a drink. And this is what I am going to have, human. Make it so!”
Guy: “Once again, the coupon thing draws them into my ruse. No, my evil of evilness. You are here because you got the short shrift at the Fatality Buffet for MK9. And my crack staff-accent on 'Crack'-has done what they can to make you a more virile and dynamic death machine that you should have been. Any questions?”
Shang: “Human, I have several. One, who was that insipid announcer that read off that pathetic intro?”
Guy: “That's Don. He writes his own lines. I tried to get rid of him once but, with writers, it's like overthrowing Kim Jong Il with an army of hamsters. Just not going to happen.”
Shang: “I hate him. I can't wait to watch him writhe in pain.”
Guy: “Yeah, most of us do. Sadly, you haven't seen evil until you messed with Screen Writer's Guild. They once made George Lucas cry. Many Bothans were lost in bring him Kleenexes. Next question?”
Shang: “What makes you, human, could make my fatalities better?”
Guy: “We have some darn sadistic and perverse people here. Don't underestimate them.”
Shang: “I am sure they are a real group of fine people. All sitting around freeze-framing Basic Instinct for that one pivotal shot of Sharon Stone. So, you, human, believe mine manner of removing those from the mortal coil needs more work? I don't believe so. I have been killing and consuming souls since before you were the lone survivor in a dry rotted prophylactic.”
Guy: “My dad did know how to save money. Prophylactics, life insurance, brake jobs. Anyway, enough about me. Let's go to the first clip of your triumphant return and prompt humiliation.”
Shang: “Human, I can snuff you out like a candle on a windy day if continue your insolence. Or better yet, I can become and you sully your name at a petting zoo.”
Guy: “Jokes on you, friend. There isn't a petting zoo in 15 states that will let me onto their properties. There is one in Alabama, but they insist on video taping me. Not comfortable with that. Anyway, onto the clip:”
Guy: “So, audience, did you like what you see?”
Audience: “No, Guy! It stinks!”
Guy: “See, Shang. It didn't get the effect that you wanted.”
Shang: “Human, that was an homage. I met a quite insane but fun fellow from the DC universe. He and I traded stories about pranks, death, and other sordid tales over much kielbasa. I thought since he wasn't able to fulfill his full potential due to some shady dealings, that I would do what I could to keep his spirit alive.”
Guy: “You turned into a clown that looks like Pennywise's developmentally-challenged little brother, 'Poundfoolish.' And did what? Just repeat the same one with less style and less panache. And without the wonderful clothing. I mean that suit would give Rob Zombie nightmares. Did M. Night Shiyamalan know that you raided his next meandering horror film?”
Shang: “Human, what I wear when I transform, to create an even more frightening visage. It would have been tacky to wear purple and green. I wanted to homage not outright copy.”
Guy: “You shape shift. Couldn't you have...”
Shang: “There are things more terrifying than Shao Kahn. Namely copyright lawyers.”
Guy: “Understandable. Well, enough banter, time to get back to the nitty-gritty. In the small room above the audience...” camera pan up to the small window-filled filled with guys watching “the writers eagerly wait for praise or scorn based on these ideas. They had one goal: Keep the clown but make it better. Let's see how they did?”
The screen flickers and a guy dressed as a clown (Similar to John Wayne Gacy but lacking his hygiene) walks out. He laughs as he takes out a pie. And tosses at the victim that's dressed as Kitana (but with full beard and trucker mesh cap.) and it hits “her” in the face. The burly victim steps bac, screaming, as the pie falls from her face. Within the cream, a skeletal face is seen in place of “her” face as steam rises. The camera pans back and the clown has grown more arms and begins tossing more pies until “she” is covered.”
Guy: “Well, that was... unorthodox. What do you think, Shang?”
Shang: “It is... interesting. How does one come up with corrosive cream pies?”
Guy: “I am going to go with the more PG approach on this and just ask the creator.” Camera pans up “Hey, which one of you did this?”
One guy raises his hand. He has a white shirt and a yellow-burgandy striped tie.
Guy: “Your motivation?”
The writer smiles proudly.
Writer: “I got the idea from the movie 'Killer Klowns from Outer Space'” Thought it was a funny gag. Did you like it, Mr. Tsung?”
Guy: “Ah.” Camera pans back to Guy “Verdict, Shang?”
Shang: “I like it!” *Stands up and with a wave of his hand a fireball bursts from the writers' box high above. With screams, the noted writer flies out through the glass and lands at Shang's feet.
Guy: “I thought you liked it? Wha'happa?”
Shang: “I love the fatality!” Shang's eyes narrow “I hated that movie!”
The other writers back away trembling under tables. The crowd is still in shock at what transpired.
Guy: “Duly noted.” Guy looks around nervously “Any other ideas?”
The writers shiver. One raises his hand slowly.
Guy: “So, what is it? I do hope for your own good, it's a great one. I am... not in the mood for barbeque anymore.”
The writer points to the screen. The screen flickers. The same clown walks out and sniffs a flower on his lapel. With a small squirt, a small droplet launches out and releases steam on the ground. The clown laughs. The victim, this time a Johnny Cage with “CAIGE” on the chest and obvious beer gut, becomes sprayed with a large green stream and his flesh slowly melts off in a fashion eerily smiliar to Smoke's first fatality.
Guy: “Interesting. Probably more homage than the one you did.
Shang: “Wouldn't I get confused for that accursed Reptile?”
Guy: “You worried about being mistaken for someone? You Mister 'More-looks-than-a-Lady-Gaga-Drag-Queen-Review?'”
Shang: Human, your lame banter is getting on my nerves. You lambast my clown. You make fun of my abilities. And you dare insult Lady Gaga?” His hands start to glow green “I will swallow your soul.”
Guy: “Please, Mr. Tsung. I don't care what you swallow. But, we do need to press on. You have another fatality that should be brushed up.”
Shang: Looking at Guy funny “You think my other fatality is also bad.” His hand flickers a bit and the green glow fades. “Why?”
Guy snaps his fingers and the screen flickers
Guy: “Why this one? Why did you do this? You suck souls. That's your shtick. You have sucked souls for a very long time. You sucked them in the second. You sucked them in the third. You sucked them Dark Alliance. You just plain suck. So why not suck in this game?”
Shang: “I... wait! WHAT?!?!?”
Guy: “Just stick to what you are good at and that's sucking people dry of their vital essence.”
Shang: “But I entered their body! I removed their head!”
Guy: “And, you must be so proud about entering a stranger. Did that green mist have a delightful mint flavor? Was it chock full of retsyn? Now, let's get down to brass tacks. Our writers have a couple of ideas. The whole idea was to keep you turning into a green vapor. Let's see what the ones that are left came up with.”
One of the writers steps up and points at the screen. It flickers. The same Shang Tsung stands there and becomes a green mist. The victim is clad like Striker. Almost too much like Striker. As the green mist grows, two bright red glowing eyes stay in the amorphous mist. A large monstrous hand slashes out and grabs the victim around the waist and lifts them out. A green stream of soul energy flows out of the victim and down the arm into the green mist. The hand lets go the victim falls lifeless in the same “Smoke Fatality #1” form.
Guy: “See? You can suck in MK9, too.”
Shang: “I am tired of you saying 'Suck' so much. You keep mocking me, but you do make sense. It was what I did best. I loved to drain those living things dry. Even the unliving mechanical ones that had only the barest essence. It was... fullfilling.”
Guy: “You need to focus your energies on getting out there and pulling their souls in. Let's get those numbers up, Shang. Up. UP! UP! You could be like Microsoft or, better yet, like an Obama speech writer!”
Guy looks at the camera.
Guy: “Now, boys and girls. It's time to turn over the show to your calls, texts, or audience suggestions. Just remember the rules for each fatality. For the clown, he must stay the clown. For the green mist, he must become the green mist.
Shang sits back in deep thought wondering what the next idea may come from. Maybe... you!
