ZeroSymbolic
W.A.S.P.
I'm not a man with a lot of finesse or tact so I am just going to dive in here and ya'll make of it what you will. I think it will be apparent pretty fast whether or not this content is for you or not. If it's not that's alright. It's probably gonna amount to one of those personal therapy threads. Away we go with it. Maybe you can help me.
It seams like I am one of those people that just can't stay out of trouble. The long and short of it is that I find myself in a negative light in some communities, and outright banned in others. This kinda culminated today-I lost my Overwatch account of 4 years, I'm also banned for reasons never said to me from the MK discords and so forth. I'm banned from The elder scrolls forums, and a few other online forums. Recently I was banned here for 6 months. Obviously I have a problem saying the wrong things to the wrong people, but the thing is that I dearly loved all these communities and the people in them. Being exiled from them makes me feel awful, like a complete screw up. I am not a troll or somebody out to hurt people. I don't get my jollies off other peoples misery. It's hard to explain, but I feel like that kid in children's books who is just always a mess, doesn't follow the rules, can't stop disrupting things, just a complete mess. I think his name is David if you ever read those, and it's probably not a surprise to anybody that I was that kid.
Look, I'm not looking for pity or excuses but the long story short is that I come from an extremely dark background-a lot of violence, a lot of hate, a lot of isolation, a lot of insanity-absolute insanity. It sounds cliche to say, but I really have seen and done things that would make a well adjusted man turn green. It was not good first 20years on the planet for me.
However, upon graduating college I put all of that in the dust-I packed my car the night before graduating, walked off the podium diploma in hand, and drove 900miles away from that whole mess. Met a great woman, and 20-31 has been a really good run. I've been able to put a lot behind me, find happiness, and overcome a lot of my social obstacles. I do very well in face to face situations.
I was talking to my wife about all this, and I think she is right about it. When I step into the online world it's like I regress back to all that, I become this aggressively awkward snarling beast. In my own mind what I am saying isn't that wild or offensive, or mean, but obviously reality says that it is-or at least that it reads and sounds that way. My plan is to eventually completely scrap the ZeroSymbolic moniker, and start completely over with a fresh name, behavior, and attitude-to revamp my online persona to more closely resemble the progress I have made in reality, but I know that if I don't get some help and make some real changes it will be doomed to repeat itself again.
Has anybody else here gone through anything like this and how do you turn it around? In many ways I feel like an addict-staying clean for months, sometimes even a year at a time, and then diving right back into the hole of despair. It really is something I want to fix. I don't mean to hurt people, and I want to be a better member of the community. Sincerely.
I think this is what I have to say for now, and maybe more will come out with discussions. It's been on my mind to do this for a while and I never could get it quite right, but it had to come out, so here it is.
It seams like I am one of those people that just can't stay out of trouble. The long and short of it is that I find myself in a negative light in some communities, and outright banned in others. This kinda culminated today-I lost my Overwatch account of 4 years, I'm also banned for reasons never said to me from the MK discords and so forth. I'm banned from The elder scrolls forums, and a few other online forums. Recently I was banned here for 6 months. Obviously I have a problem saying the wrong things to the wrong people, but the thing is that I dearly loved all these communities and the people in them. Being exiled from them makes me feel awful, like a complete screw up. I am not a troll or somebody out to hurt people. I don't get my jollies off other peoples misery. It's hard to explain, but I feel like that kid in children's books who is just always a mess, doesn't follow the rules, can't stop disrupting things, just a complete mess. I think his name is David if you ever read those, and it's probably not a surprise to anybody that I was that kid.
Look, I'm not looking for pity or excuses but the long story short is that I come from an extremely dark background-a lot of violence, a lot of hate, a lot of isolation, a lot of insanity-absolute insanity. It sounds cliche to say, but I really have seen and done things that would make a well adjusted man turn green. It was not good first 20years on the planet for me.
However, upon graduating college I put all of that in the dust-I packed my car the night before graduating, walked off the podium diploma in hand, and drove 900miles away from that whole mess. Met a great woman, and 20-31 has been a really good run. I've been able to put a lot behind me, find happiness, and overcome a lot of my social obstacles. I do very well in face to face situations.
I was talking to my wife about all this, and I think she is right about it. When I step into the online world it's like I regress back to all that, I become this aggressively awkward snarling beast. In my own mind what I am saying isn't that wild or offensive, or mean, but obviously reality says that it is-or at least that it reads and sounds that way. My plan is to eventually completely scrap the ZeroSymbolic moniker, and start completely over with a fresh name, behavior, and attitude-to revamp my online persona to more closely resemble the progress I have made in reality, but I know that if I don't get some help and make some real changes it will be doomed to repeat itself again.
Has anybody else here gone through anything like this and how do you turn it around? In many ways I feel like an addict-staying clean for months, sometimes even a year at a time, and then diving right back into the hole of despair. It really is something I want to fix. I don't mean to hurt people, and I want to be a better member of the community. Sincerely.
I think this is what I have to say for now, and maybe more will come out with discussions. It's been on my mind to do this for a while and I never could get it quite right, but it had to come out, so here it is.
