Lt. Boxy Angelman
I WILL EAT THIS GAME
After spending the last 6 months in the service of the Netherrealm, I feel as though it's time I present my collective opinion and matchup analysis of the battles at hand for the greatest sorcerer ever to master demonic hypnosis.
Let's go.
SCORPION: First of all, I made you, you ingrateful, skeletal prick. Without me, you and your Vortex would still be hanging from a pike sticking out of the side of a cyclops' ass. Secondly, should you fall under my Trance, you and your Vortex can kiss my shiny Rune-covered behind.
LIU KANG: I'd like to shove a Skull down the throat of whoever taught you how to wield fire, you tae kwon do taint on the face of my progress.
KUNG LAO: I bet you're really missing the days the serial number that gave you life read "1.04," aren't you? Where you were once an untouchable blight, you are now but a testament to my might. Go on. Teleport, asshole. I'll uppercut that hat right off your fucking head.
SUB-ZERO: I'm curious...if I stand right here and block, exactly how do you plan on causing me physical harm? I'd love to see how creative you can get. So that I may express my appreciation by causing you to break your own neck with your own two frigid fucking hands.
SINDEL: You remind me of the one the humans refer to as "Stiffler's Mom." With great age comes great experience. You may have my respect. At least until I stomp your silver-headed ass out of the sky.
ERMAC: You're absolutely right. You are many. And I am but one. The problem is that, no matter how Many you are, you're all still going to be in a great deal of pain when your green tomfoolery fails you and my Runes burn a hole through your Many orifices.
REPTILE: Yeah, because a sorcerer in possession of all the power the Netherrealm has to offer is going to be outclassed by an overgrown iguana...or perhaps you're an undergrown Godzilla. Either way, you should've stayed at the bottom of the Pit where you belong, Rango.
KITANA: ...I...well...er...I SURVIVED STORY MODE, YOU FANHAPPY PINCHPRICK!
JOHNNY CAGE: All your girly man knees and flying boogers make me wish there was a Hell worse than the Hell in which I reside to send you to and force you into servitude under some manner of foul, knee-eating beast.
JADE: You may be beautiful, and your Glow may be pretty, but take a moment to admire the pretty colors than encompass your head as you fall under my spell...
...and now you're dead. Muah <3.
MILEENA: Shang Tsung really should've consulted an orthodontist before he let you out of the test tube. Proof, once again, that THIS GUY is the superior sorcerer. At least if I cross-bred an Edenian princess and a Tarkatan death machine, I would've given them the means to chew with their mouth closed.
NIGHTWOLF: Barring the possibility that you're part Saiyan and capable of transforming into some manner of 150-foot tall Native American puppy, I don't see this ending well for you, Chief.
CYRAX: You're not Sig Hansen, and I'm not an Opilio crab. Put that Net back in your boob and fight like a man. Oh wait, that's right, YOU'RE A ROBOT! Nyah nyah, the Lin Kuei stole your humanity. Silly yellow cyborg. You will serve my feet as they descend upon your face.
NOOB SAIBOT: Why don't you keep your pal Scorpion company and save me the trouble of risking telling a joke in bad taste. I'm sorry, but you are really, REALLY black, and there is no way for me to make that entertaining without drawing some angry looks. I may be the embodiment of evil, but I am NOT a bigot. No.
SMOKE: Whoever gave you the smoky demon curse that ails you must've been a bigger asshole than I am. Seriously, how the fuck am I supposed to hurt you badly enough to warrant a humorous yarn when I CAN'T GET MY GODDAMN HANDS ON YOU?
SEKTOR: At least, unlike your flimsy yellow counterpart, you have the good sense to save the mindgames for someone who can't read yours and shoot me in the face with every round of ammunition you possess. I respect that. Oh wait, I CAN BLOCK LOW. Woolay, you red douche.
SONYA BLADE: You are just the worst kind of person.
JAX: So help me god, if I have to watch you arrogantly lock lips with your bicep one more time, I'm going to personally dismember you in areas they DON'T make cybernetic replacements for.
KANO: Y'know, I had every intention of seeking you out and enlisting your Ball-related services in a completely un-homoerotic manner, but one of my lieges informed me you relocated to the southeastern region of your realm and hijacked a continent at knifepoint. Well done, sir.
STRYKER: If bullets and grenades were capable of keeping the strongest minions of the damned at bay, I wouldn't have been able to overthrow your realm in less than a day. How do you enjoy that particular brand of apples, you...how do you say...punk.
SHANG TSUNG: Bitch, I am the head evil cheerleader around here. You're just another lackey at the bottom of the pyramid, grandpa. Oh, Dee, Ell, Why, you ain't got no alibi, you OLDY, yeah, yeah, you OLDY.
BARAKA: Every time you chop a sorcerer, the Elder Gods kill a Tarkatan kitten. Remember that.
KABAL: You're the only thing Grandpa Asshole managed to get right. Slow down, so that I may show my appreciation of your skills by beating you to death with your own leg.
RAIDEN: I don't care if we both live to see this realm crumble inward on itself, I am NEVER gonna let you live down the epic failure that was your plea for Earthrealm. Ever. You may be a God, bit I'm the guy who was begged for mercy by a God.
YOU CAN'T TELEPORT AWAY FROM THE TRUTH.
SHEEVA: You poor, poor, oversized female figure, you. I feel no hatred, only sorrow for you.
And what's worse...you have the only means of teleporting on the battlefield that my means of instant movement will always come out on top of.
I'll make you a deal: you show me the way to someone who can fit me with an extra pair of arms, and I'll find a spell that'll shrink your hitbox. Deal? Deal.
CYBER SUB-ZERO: There's only so much running, diving and delaying you can do before the Trance has its way with your simple, cybernetic, blueberry-based mind.
SKARLET: ...Screw it. NYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
KENSHI: As many wise men before me have said, I must agree...I fail to understand how so much pain and suffering can be caused by someone who CAN'T FUCKING SEE.
RAIN: You may have the courage to wear purple pants, but no amount of bold fashion or blockable lightning will save you from the wrath of my equally fashionable metal sash.
FREDDY KRUEGER: Robert Englund called. He said go fuck yourself.
xXx WOOLAY xXx
