Does anyone else's brain not work any more? (support thread)

[trufenix]

For many, this has been a terrible terrible time. We all have our reasons. Isolation. Illness. Unemployment. Politics. Anxiety. Wether you believe in the COVID brain fog or not, there's no denying the toll all of this is taking on people when they're fortunate enough to just be "riding it out" in relative comfort. What I don't see a lot of, especially in the gamer community, is support for the ones who aren't. In other game communities I have seen threads / statuses occasionally crop up by people who are mentally or emotionally suffering, either by their own definition someone else's, and found quite literally with nowhere to turn with their thoughts. Scary posts and status updates from people we would definitely dap or hug or high five if the world was working, but now... we just watch them twist in the wind. I know, it happened to me when I got COVID.

So what I wanted to try and do is offer up a thread for anybody whose brain like mine isn't quite working anymore to just talk it out. Now this isn't therapy. This isn't political. It's for humans who want to talk to humans. Humans who may not all agree on everything in the world, but wall speak the same language of combos and frame data and such. Maybe this will go nowhere, or maybe we can find some additional common ground. I'm gonna go first, because this was my idea and honestly, I need to. If you're uncomfortable sharing or getting involved, don't feel the need to reply, you won't hurt my feeling. If you're a dick, maybe sit this one out. Or, if you see something in here that resonates with you somehow, maybe share. I know it would make me feel better to know I'm not the only one feeling these things.

I mentioned up above that I got COVID last year, but it actually wasn't the worst thing that happened to me in 2020. The worst thing that happened was my Dad died. It was mid year, June, just a month before my birthday, a month and a week before his. Yes, our birthday's are a week apart. When my father died we held a socially distanced funeral, because we were obviously super depressed but also it was still early in the pandemic so it seemed reasonable. Now? 6 months later with no end in sight, and the contrarions still preaching that bullshit? I don't know. Both my brother and I have expressed regrets with having done it. There's a special kind of mental hell your brain puts you in when you have to reconcile those kind of thoughts. "I feel guilty for holding a funeral for my father", try thinking that. COVID has forced us all to say and do and think crazy things. "I wish it could've been more like Mom's funeral". Dad wasn't even the only personal death I faced last year, but for some reason it has come to "define" 2020 misery for me. The reality that I literally never processed his death, that I still have to remind myself every couple of days "oh yeah and your father's still dead" is more profound to me, even when my mother died so many years before.

Anyway, that's my piece. For now. Honestly, I already feel mildly relieved, though there is trepidation in actually hitting the post button. If you've read this far and feel compared to share as well, please feel free. I'll be listening otherwise, thank you anyway.

 

[Cobainevermind87]

I'll probably post something once I get some "truth serum" in me after I get home from work.

 

[Mikemetroid]

I'm fortunate enough to have not lost anyone to COVID but I have heard of many, including you, who have lost parents/family/loved ones. I am sorry for your loss.

I can say that losing a parent isn't easy, you have a long road of recovery up ahead of you. I lost my dad when I was 12, now at 26, it still is pretty tough. It all depends how you manage your thoughts/grief. Some people convert their feelings, to help them cope with grief. For exmaple, I am an athiest, and I do not believe in a higher power/any power. However, I get the occasional dream with dear old dad. I even have dreams with the others I have lost and in a way, I like to trick myself into thinking those are "visits", even though at the end of the day, its just my brain trying to get that feeling back that I had when they were alive.

My cat died in feb last year, if you know me at a personal level, you know that my cat was borderline an emotion support animal for me. I had a dream not too long ago that my grandfather (who I haven't had any dreams of in recent years honestly) took her in, and told me in the dream that he would take care of her until I got back...It was so damn vivid.

Your brain is fucking mean to you, just try to remember that. Don't spend your life in regret, you'll already be spending too much time learning how to deal with other shit. Be safe, love those who you care about, be nice to everyone else. Try your best to reserve comments to the shitheads out there, it doesn't matter what you say/how you present your argument, people these days do NOT want to switch their way of thinking.

 

[Swindle]

I am sincerely sorry for your losses, and the pain that has resulted from them.
As for the COVID-19 fallout, I have been different since “recovering” from it in December. Things are just dulled , and there have been symptoms of depression. My senses of smell/taste change potency day to day, which aside from being quite annoying, also keeps me from enjoying little pleasures.
I didn’t lose any family, but I did lose a couple of friends.
It’s been tough, and I don’t think that this new year will bring much relief.

 

[Metin]

i am Sorry for your loss, there is not much to say i know cos i lost my father when o was 14, now i am almost 37 years old. Everything that everyone said to me after my father's death, puff gone i couldn't remember but clearly remembering a special one and that woman, one of my father's friend said this;

"He will always be in your memories and those memories will make you sad but also happy. You will understand when you grow up."

Yeah i clearly understand now, he is always with me, i am thinking about him everyday, i am sad also happy because we shared a lot of good memories.

 

[Marlow]

I'm sorry for your loss. My mother died from cancer about 4 years ago. That was hard, even in a non-pandemic time. All I can say is that at least in my experience, things do get better with time. Going for walks and talking to family and friends really helped me.

 

[Dankster Morgan]

I'm sorry to hear that. I lost my grandpa, a 97 yr old WW2 veteran to COVID and I had to put down my childhood dog (late stage kidney failure, he lost 40% of his body weight in 2 days) and bury him the next day. Sorry for everyone's losses, God bless yall and stay strong.

 

[trufenix]

I'll probably post something once I get some "truth serum" in me after I get home from work.

We await your return, warrior.

 

[trufenix]

I'm fortunate enough to have not lost anyone to COVID but I have heard of many, including you, who have lost parents/family/loved ones. I am sorry for your loss.

I can say that losing a parent isn't easy, you have a long road of recovery up ahead of you. I lost my dad when I was 12, now at 26, it still is pretty tough. It all depends how you manage your thoughts/grief. Some people convert their feelings, to help them cope with grief. For exmaple, I am an athiest, and I do not believe in a higher power/any power. However, I get the occasional dream with dear old dad. I even have dreams with the others I have lost and in a way, I like to trick myself into thinking those are "visits", even though at the end of the day, its just my brain trying to get that feeling back that I had when they were alive.

My cat died in feb last year, if you know me at a personal level, you know that my cat was borderline an emotion support animal for me. I had a dream not too long ago that my grandfather (who I haven't had any dreams of in recent years honestly) took her in, and told me in the dream that he would take care of her until I got back...It was so damn vivid.

Your brain is fucking mean to you, just try to remember that. Don't spend your life in regret, you'll already be spending too much time learning how to deal with other shit. Be safe, love those who you care about, be nice to everyone else. Try your best to reserve comments to the shitheads out there, it doesn't matter what you say/how you present your argument, people these days do NOT want to switch their way of thinking.

Believe it or not, I also lost a cat last year and I'm not even a huge animal person. But you spend time with a thing, you fall in love with a thing, it's gonna hurt when it goes. There's been so much of that for all of us this year.

My cats name was Luna. She was one of four cats me and my ex got a million years ago, and also their last. She was a grey minicat.

 

[trufenix]

I am sincerely sorry for your losses, and the pain that has resulted from them.
As for the COVID-19 fallout, I have been different since “recovering” from it in December. Things are just dulled , and there have been symptoms of depression. My senses of smell/taste change potency day to day, which aside from being quite annoying, also keeps me from enjoying little pleasures.
I didn’t lose any family, but I did lose a couple of friends.
It’s been tough, and I don’t think that this new year will bring much relief.

The mental impact is huge, and I think unfortunately a lot of people who are normally capable of ignoring it are getting choke slammed by it every couple minutes.

A lot of that went into posting this thread. Hoping to cause a similar release in others. Thank you for contributing, brother.

 

[trufenix]

i am Sorry for your loss, there is not much to say i know cos i lost my father when o was 14, now i am almost 37 years old. Everything that everyone said to me after my father's death, puff gone i couldn't remember but clearly remembering a special one and that woman, one of my father's friend said this;

"He will always be in your memories and those memories will make you sad but also happy. You will understand when you grow up."

Yeah i clearly understand now, he is always with me, i am thinking about him everyday, i am sad also happy because we shared a lot of good memories.

To preserve my memories, I take a ton of pictures and take advantage of pretty much any excuse to review them. Coincidentally, it's one of the things I know I got directly from my father because everyone used to hate when he did it while I was young... Even me, lol

 

[trufenix]

I'm sorry for your loss. My mother died from cancer about 4 years ago. That was hard, even in a non-pandemic time. All I can say is that at least in my experience, things do get better with time. Going for walks and talking to family and friends really helped me.

Man, they all suck. There's no comparison. Grandma. Grandpa. Siblings. Cousins. Old high school flames. The weirdest thing to me is? Having two different sets of feelings on practically the same topic. mad and vengeful over my mom, still crushed and defeated over dad.

 

[trufenix]

I'm sorry to hear that. I lost my grandpa, a 97 yr old WW2 veteran to COVID and I had to put down my childhood dog (late stage kidney failure, he lost 40% of his body weight in 2 days) and bury him the next day. Sorry for everyone's losses, God bless yall and stay strong.

Last year fucking sucked, every minute, for every fucking person and it just won't end. You hear about the combo counters getting racked up on some people and it's like holy shit, how do they even do it? Same way you do, man. I respect it.

 

[Dankster Morgan]

Last year fucking sucked, every minute, for every fucking person and it just won't end. You hear about the combo counters getting racked up on some people and it's like holy shit, how do they even do it? Same way you do, man. I respect it.

I dont know man I can't think further than a few days at a time or I get overwhelmed with everything, I imagine we are all in the same boat.

 

[Gooberking]

My life didn't change just a whole lot, but I do feel fairly checked out at this point. My family has all avoided the thing even with my parents kind of needle leaning in the "things are overblown" direction.

I've never worried about being sick before, but I spent a lot of the year being super on guard after having my Asthma or something tank my lung function to the point where I was unable to sleep for days at a time, required significant med increases, doc visits galore, major home cleanings, and pushed me to have to choose between giving up or putting down one of my cats.

She was fading fast and ready to go, so I did end up having to send her on in the middle of this thing. Unlike a lot of people, I got to be there. I don't know that I have the emotional capacity/range to actually feel lonely, but that experience made it feel like I was all on my own, and my place felt very empty after. I still have my other cat, which is my long time buddy, but she just developed some health issues and requires medication she too smart, and too determined to not take consistently. I'm not sure what to expect there.

I do like working at home, and not having to stop for gas. I'm willing to keep those things.


There was an article a couple months back about the uptick in suicide rate in Japan in relation to this. It's grim stuff, and does highlight how multifaceted a problem this whole thing is. https://www.cnn.com/2020/11/28/asia/japan-suicide-women-covid-dst-intl-hnk/index.html

 

[trufenix]

I dont know man I can't think further than a few days at a time or I get overwhelmed with everything, I imagine we are all in the same boat.

I understand, brother. You digest as much as you can, cause there are people who need you alive. Take care of yourself and don't over extend. I've had to put so much of my life on hold just to survive, even things I thought I was going to "get to" now that we're in a pandemic because the reality is I can only handle about 3 things outside of work before my whole system shuts down and says, okay now we play animal crossing or cry, your choice.

 

[trufenix]

My life didn't change just a whole lot, but I do feel fairly checked out at this point. My family has all avoided the thing even with my parents kind of needle leaning in the "things are overblown" direction.

I've never worried about being sick before, but I spent a lot of the year being super on guard after having my Asthma or something tank my lung function to the point where I was unable to sleep for days at a time, required significant med increases, doc visits galore, major home cleanings, and pushed me to have to choose between giving up or putting down one of my cats.

She was fading fast and ready to go, so I did end up having to send her on in the middle of this thing. Unlike a lot of people, I got to be there. I don't know that I have the emotional capacity/range to actually feel lonely, but that experience made it feel like I was all on my own, and my place felt very empty after. I still have my other cat, which is my long time buddy, but she just developed some health issues and requires medication she too smart, and too determined to not take consistently. I'm not sure what to expect there.

I do like working at home, and not having to stop for gas. I'm willing to keep those things.


There was an article a couple months back about the uptick in suicide rate in Japan in relation to this. It's grim stuff, and does highlight how multifaceted a problem this whole thing is. https://www.cnn.com/2020/11/28/asia/japan-suicide-women-covid-dst-intl-hnk/index.html

Thank you for posting. It's dope that you have family support for this, I've personally never been a huge family person. I was born late in my siblings generation so we have little in common and whats left of my family at this point just outright sucks at communication. Now I'm playing catch up with a lot of people who share my blood and nothing else. Its a chore, but family is definitely worth the effort for times like this.

 

[Dankster Morgan]

I understand, brother. You digest as much as you can, cause there are people who need you alive. Take care of yourself and don't over extend. I've had to put so much of my life on hold just to survive, even things I thought I was going to "get to" now that we're in a pandemic because the reality is I can only handle about 3 things outside of work before my whole system shuts down and says, okay now we play animal crossing or cry, your choice.

Exactly, other people are gonna depend on you in big ways and small and you gotta be right to take care of them. It's a good motivator to keep at it I suppose. Three things outside of work is good, anythings good honestly.

 

[Juxtapose]

For those of you who've contracted COVID-19, and have recovered, I'm very happy to hear you've done so. For those who've lost friends or family, to COVID or more "traditional" means, my condolences to you, and to your family.

I've been fortunate that, while I've known a few people who've had COVID-19, no one I personally know has died from the virus, and no one in my immediate family has contracted it. Here in Canada the response to the virus, and public cooperation, has been stronger than south of the border, but things have still gotten pretty rough here now.

For myself, in contrast to most people, 2020 was actually a great year for me. I suffer from a chronic health condition, Crohn's Disease, as I've mentioned in other threads in the past, and 2020 is my first year in several where my health was good and strong. The downer is with the COVID restrictions and lockdowns, I wasn't able to do much socializing, but still, it felt good to really feel good. Especially in contrast to 2019.

2019 was the third worst health year of my life, though I was dealing less with the disease and more side effects/complications from it. I was so sick at one point I was down to consuming only bread and water. I lost so much weight that I weighed the same as I did in high school (I'm middle-aged), outside of work I generally stayed home as I wasn't well enough to go anywhere or see people.

On top of that, the year started off with my grandmother passing, and then my uncle around Easter. My company downsized (my job wasn't under threat, but I'm the guy who had to close down an office) which was a rushed, hard project, and I was a stressed out basket case who was perma-sick, and the stress of course hurt my health more.

Very early in 2020 my doc and I found the right combination of medication and diet that balanced everything, and I've been excellent since. The pandemic itself, here many businesses have changed, and I've been working part-time, mostly from home, for about nine months now. This is the first time in fifteen years work hasn't been go-go-go, and I have free time the likes of which I haven't had since my mid-20's; it's fantastic! I'm sleeping well, I've put a lot of weight on (in a good way, more than made up for all I lost before), and I generally feel relaxed and almost at peace.

Sadly, my grandfather passed just before the pandemic hit, but we were able to do a proper funeral just before restrictions came in. With my health, I also have a compromised immune system, so I take the pandemic and public health recommendations very seriously since if I get COVID, very bad things could happen (thus the reason I don't perfectly feel at peace).

Here's hoping that 2021 brings about better things for all of us, everyone, the world over. That the vaccines starting to come out now really do help inoculate people by later in the year, and that we can all start returning to true normal.

 

[Anarchist_Gib]

2020 was the year I went from:

Managing a half-million dollar inventory, maintaining a quarter-million loan balance (collecting 20% off of it monthly with a 25% loan default rate from borrowers), being on a first name basis with top ATF and Missouri state officials, and quite a few other things that I could list but would reveal myself to be impossibly unwise as well as corrupt if I did so.

To being an overnight Security guard.

Emotionally and morally, I'm in such a better place. But I miss feeling powerful. I miss being challenged. I miss the game/hustle. I'm in a existential rut, caught between feeling ashamed of and longing for the past. I'm currently just going through motions, not seizing the day, not making it my bitch like I used to.

 

[Eddy Wang]

The shit show for me started in 2019, many ppl called it bullshit, but it sucks to be me or around me sometimes.

It all started with a dream and I can still describe it pretty well, in that dream the whole world had died, first by fire, then lightning, and finally deadly disease and it was global, I was trying to find a safe place to be, but in the dream that shit was global, I talked to some ppl about it, but some said it was just dreams.


Weeks later, there was a wild fire in Australia that turned the sky red, and then a lot of ppl started to die, even around me, ppl I've knew from previous works, ppl we used to talk to on weekly basis, ppl who used to fight hard for their lives to find money for next day bread, I just started receiving news of ppl we knew and considered friends were passing away.

Death was surrounding and I kept telling everyone to stay safe, and taking care of themselves, and then covid hit. We survived almost an entire year being safe, and then, one of my old bosses from the work where I was summoned again, passed away with liver problems that just randomly appeared, we had to held a social distance funeral and we couldn't even be on his burial memorial, we weren't allowed inside the cemetery. I felt that deeply because he taught me a lot and he was a very close friend of my father, and an essential pillar in the company, we still remember him to this day, his death was last october.

November an uncle-granpa(My granma's brother) of mine died of covid-19, we couldn't even go to his funeral.

And in December i lost my dog, Sparky, a very chill dog, he used to think he was people, he had a chair to sit, while he wasn't violent his tasks at home proved to be one of a kind, he would let us know if someone was at the door by barking looking at us to go open the door, he would scare strays and unwanted presence at evening away.

He had 12 years and somehow he got a disease that we detected way too late so we couldn't save him. His death broke my family, myself, and even my little sister who grew with him couldn't stop crying for an entire week.

Imagine spending Christmas (his favorite day) without him, which was the day where he would hit a lot more than we allowed him, including full roasted chicken just for him.
Each time I ear a dog owling, I remember him, everytime I ear a noise in the yard, I remember him.

Every time someone is at the door, we have no one to let us know in advance, we sleep a bit more insecure because he is not here anymore to warn us if someone enters.

The stray cats keep trashing the yard and dragging the trash out every night because he is no longer with us.
My mom and my family are very apprehensive of my visions and dreams, and I gotta say, it sucks to dream about ppl dying, specially when you do and then it happens, this shit isn't healthy.

My granma was extremely ill and we almost lost her, but thankfully we had money to save her after we lost the dog, she is now recovering, which is finally a win and left us a bit relieved but still alert and preocupied.

I'm here, these days I do what I can, work as I can and try to smile a bit more, but my soul is still hurt of so much death, and isn't just the one closes to me, the whole world is making me sick, I kept saying for a few months " a lot of ppl are going to die" and I can't help to think if by any means I said anything before beyond the ppl that know me if it would change anything.


Thanks for listening, and really hope you all recover from the shitshow that was 2020, definitely the worst year of my life.
Truly sorry for everyone's loss, and if anything I don't have dreams about massive death anymore, not really paying attention and my subconsciousness as just shut down to dreams.