Lt. Boxy Angelman
I WILL EAT THIS GAME
Scorpion: Wait for him to do something stupid. Attack. Don't be on fire. Sub lives.
Liu Kang: Avoid fire. Guard kung fu kicks. Lure into Popsicle Clone. Sub lives.
Kung Lao: Jump over Hats. Uppercut Teleport. Don't get hit. At all. Sub develops a hatred for headwear.
Sub Zero: Prepare for the greatest battle of all time.
Sindel: Fuck this lady. I will not let you spit on me. Sub lives, and recommends an Earthrealm hairdresser.
Ermac: Make him fuck up before he makes you fuck up. He lifts things up and puts them down.
Sub lives, and recommends a psychiatrist.
Reptile: Dashing is for assholes. Boogers are for assholes. Reptile's an asshole.
Sub lives and burns down an rare iguana habitat.
Kitana: I'd hit you in the goddamn face if I could get to you. WHERE DO YOU KEEP ALL THOSE FANS?
Sub dies in a storm of decorative accesories.
Johnny Cage: COME ON YOU FUCKER. TRY AND JAB ME AND SEE IF YOU DON'T END UP AS THE DAILY SPECIAL OF MY ICE CREAM TRUCK. YOU POMPOUS POOFY HAIRED PRICK.
Jade: I will cut your overhead in half with my SWORD FROM FUCKING NOWHERE.
Mileena: You're fucking mean. And you could probably use a set of porcelain veneers.
Sub wins and Mileena hires a full-blooded Tarkatan female to follow her everywhere so she looks better by comparison.
Nightwolf: Man brings thunder from sky. He howls like wolf and rushes like Jerome Bettis.
Either Sub dies, or he lives and is renamed Chief Requires Low Temperature.
Cyrax: You can't throw Bombs if you're frozen in the corner, can you, fucker? No? No.
Sub lives, and is revamped in MK10 with a 96% damage unblockbreakerfuckwithable double backwards Kickflip McTwist reset.
Noob: Died in a fire, and you're too lame, you give Sub a bad name. But seriously. Tough match.
Smoke: STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU CREEPY CLOUD MAN. Winnable, but not by much.
Sub lives long enough to die of cancer from secondhand Smoke.
Sektor: You have many missles. I have but a Slide and a dream. I must pray now.
Sub dies in a sea of explosives and condiments.
Sonya: FRENCH FRIES WILL ALWAYS BE SUPERIOR TO ONION RINGS. That is all.
Jax: Go on. Dash Punch. Do it, mister primo fucking patriot. I bet there'll be a Clone there when you do.
Sub lives, but Jax is a dauntingly large black guy with metal arms and the most patriotic victory pose ever, so what has he really lost? .
Kano: Foster's is Austrailian for beer. Kano is Austrailian for duck. My mindgames > yours.
Sub lives, and Kano goes on to change his ways and begins lobbying to the Austrailian government to legalize Mortal Kombat, marijuana, and the right to not live 1,000 miles away from civilization. Upon being denied and ridiculed for his "unique" visionary situation, he massacres everyone present, declares them legal on his own behalf, and pushes Austrailia into the Indian Ocean so they can be part of the rest of the world.
Kano now runs Austrailia. No charge.
Stryker: You better save meter like you're saving to put a kid through college. And I'll freeze your kid, too.
Shang Tsung: Whoever gets their end of the pendulum swinging faster will NOT be chopped in half.
Sub lives while Shang defiles the greatest match of all time with Damage Boost. You've gotta morph back sometime, fucker...
Baraka: See: Stryker. Except your offspring would be less likely to attend fine schools or country clubs.
Sub lives, but with many, MANY wounds in needs of stitching at an upstanding medical facility.
Kabal: You. You requires-2-extra-minutes-of-cooking deep fried multi-faceted prick. Don't hurt me.
Sub dies. He dies a lot. He dies more than one dies playing Contra without the cheat code.
Raiden: I eat Teleports for fucking breakfast. And your thunder will make me superhuman. Like Highlander.
Sub wins and goes on to co-star in a Sci-Fi made for TV movie with Christopher Lambert
Cyber Sub Zero: What the fuck is a Divekick?
Sub wins, and proves why flesh & blood > bolts & blueberry syrup.
Sheeva: And like the LA Sparks, I will show you why being a 7-foot tall female sucks tremendously.
Sub lives, and Sheeva returns to her profession as the world's best plate spinner.
Quan Chi: I would hate you and everything you fucking stand for, if I didn't <3 you so much.
I would say Sub lives, but even if he dies, he's gonna end up serving the fucker in the Netherrealm, anyway.
Skarlet: You're the girl at the bar that everyone wants to talk to, but no one knows what language you speak.
Kenshi: Fuck you, man. I don't care if you're blind. I hope your seeing eye dog bites you in the dick.
Rain: I'm gonna freeze your rain and open an ice skating rink with your frozen head as my centerpiece.
Freddy: I will never forgive you for not being Bo Rai Cho.
I really hope no one takes this seriously.
Liu Kang: Avoid fire. Guard kung fu kicks. Lure into Popsicle Clone. Sub lives.
Kung Lao: Jump over Hats. Uppercut Teleport. Don't get hit. At all. Sub develops a hatred for headwear.
Sub Zero: Prepare for the greatest battle of all time.
Sindel: Fuck this lady. I will not let you spit on me. Sub lives, and recommends an Earthrealm hairdresser.
Ermac: Make him fuck up before he makes you fuck up. He lifts things up and puts them down.
Sub lives, and recommends a psychiatrist.
Reptile: Dashing is for assholes. Boogers are for assholes. Reptile's an asshole.
Sub lives and burns down an rare iguana habitat.
Kitana: I'd hit you in the goddamn face if I could get to you. WHERE DO YOU KEEP ALL THOSE FANS?
Sub dies in a storm of decorative accesories.
Johnny Cage: COME ON YOU FUCKER. TRY AND JAB ME AND SEE IF YOU DON'T END UP AS THE DAILY SPECIAL OF MY ICE CREAM TRUCK. YOU POMPOUS POOFY HAIRED PRICK.
Jade: I will cut your overhead in half with my SWORD FROM FUCKING NOWHERE.
Mileena: You're fucking mean. And you could probably use a set of porcelain veneers.
Sub wins and Mileena hires a full-blooded Tarkatan female to follow her everywhere so she looks better by comparison.
Nightwolf: Man brings thunder from sky. He howls like wolf and rushes like Jerome Bettis.
Either Sub dies, or he lives and is renamed Chief Requires Low Temperature.
Cyrax: You can't throw Bombs if you're frozen in the corner, can you, fucker? No? No.
Sub lives, and is revamped in MK10 with a 96% damage unblockbreakerfuckwithable double backwards Kickflip McTwist reset.
Noob: Died in a fire, and you're too lame, you give Sub a bad name. But seriously. Tough match.
Smoke: STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU CREEPY CLOUD MAN. Winnable, but not by much.
Sub lives long enough to die of cancer from secondhand Smoke.
Sektor: You have many missles. I have but a Slide and a dream. I must pray now.
Sub dies in a sea of explosives and condiments.
Sonya: FRENCH FRIES WILL ALWAYS BE SUPERIOR TO ONION RINGS. That is all.
Jax: Go on. Dash Punch. Do it, mister primo fucking patriot. I bet there'll be a Clone there when you do.
Sub lives, but Jax is a dauntingly large black guy with metal arms and the most patriotic victory pose ever, so what has he really lost? .
Kano: Foster's is Austrailian for beer. Kano is Austrailian for duck. My mindgames > yours.
Sub lives, and Kano goes on to change his ways and begins lobbying to the Austrailian government to legalize Mortal Kombat, marijuana, and the right to not live 1,000 miles away from civilization. Upon being denied and ridiculed for his "unique" visionary situation, he massacres everyone present, declares them legal on his own behalf, and pushes Austrailia into the Indian Ocean so they can be part of the rest of the world.
Kano now runs Austrailia. No charge.
Stryker: You better save meter like you're saving to put a kid through college. And I'll freeze your kid, too.
Shang Tsung: Whoever gets their end of the pendulum swinging faster will NOT be chopped in half.
Sub lives while Shang defiles the greatest match of all time with Damage Boost. You've gotta morph back sometime, fucker...
Baraka: See: Stryker. Except your offspring would be less likely to attend fine schools or country clubs.
Sub lives, but with many, MANY wounds in needs of stitching at an upstanding medical facility.
Kabal: You. You requires-2-extra-minutes-of-cooking deep fried multi-faceted prick. Don't hurt me.
Sub dies. He dies a lot. He dies more than one dies playing Contra without the cheat code.
Raiden: I eat Teleports for fucking breakfast. And your thunder will make me superhuman. Like Highlander.
Sub wins and goes on to co-star in a Sci-Fi made for TV movie with Christopher Lambert
Cyber Sub Zero: What the fuck is a Divekick?
Sub wins, and proves why flesh & blood > bolts & blueberry syrup.
Sheeva: And like the LA Sparks, I will show you why being a 7-foot tall female sucks tremendously.
Sub lives, and Sheeva returns to her profession as the world's best plate spinner.
Quan Chi: I would hate you and everything you fucking stand for, if I didn't <3 you so much.
I would say Sub lives, but even if he dies, he's gonna end up serving the fucker in the Netherrealm, anyway.
Skarlet: You're the girl at the bar that everyone wants to talk to, but no one knows what language you speak.
Kenshi: Fuck you, man. I don't care if you're blind. I hope your seeing eye dog bites you in the dick.
Rain: I'm gonna freeze your rain and open an ice skating rink with your frozen head as my centerpiece.
Freddy: I will never forgive you for not being Bo Rai Cho.
I really hope no one takes this seriously.
.
